I wish I had a home. I have a room, now, for one month. Finding an apartment is so difficult. I just stare at the computer screen and when I leave the room I watch like a hawk for rentals. It has been so difficult to focus on actually creating anything. I feel like things are falling by the wayside. I am not sure what I'm really doing. I can't be bothered to do laundry or pack or anything.
Last night I pigged out and watched a movie with my friend. She had no attention span, so it was pretty much just me watching a movie. We ate pizza with extra cheese, then I went to bed overly full and overly alone. Just myself and my dog.
My therapist is really funny because he keeps laughing at a lot of the things I say. I'm not really trying to be funny, but I guess I have no choice. I am in a really strange space right now. I feel in limbo in a lot of ways. I don't want to leave town, because then I will not only be giving up on my dreams, but I will be letting my ex ruin an entire city for me. I'm just not going to let that happen.
I have applied to this Hispanic Aids Foundation grant, so that I can get rent subsidies. I hope I get it. It would sure be great to be able to afford to live on my own, or in a nice place, and not worry about where rent is coming from. I like where I am now, but the landlords are terrible and since they want me out I'd rather not prolong the inevitable. I wish I had savings. I'd like to work on saving.
I feel like I'm just rambling today. I didn't really want to write anything, but I want to keep the habit up so that I can work towards developing something out of my writing. I would really like to be able to do that. I tried to start a novel but it is entirely too depressing. Most of what I write is very depressing. I'm just depressed.
I wonder when this will end. I wonder when I'll wake up and not hope for my lover to come back to me. I know he won't. He's a stubborn asshole. I wish I could hate him. I know it's my fault. I know it's his fault. I am a freak. I have been painting my nails and I dyed my hair blue because I know I am a total freak and I want to look like one.
I need money. I need love. I need a home. I need a maid. I need.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
tired
I'm tired. I slept ok last night, I think. I woke up only once to go to the bathroom, which is a change. I'm tired of pretending I'm over my love. I'm tired of pretending I still think this life of mine is worth fighting for. I'm tired to going to a job I hate. I'm tired of my dog.
I'm completely exhausted with this job I have to go to this morning, where I do really basic computer things for a 72 year old man who just doesn't get it. This morning I have to go all the way to the Bronx just to help him retrieve an attachment from a sent email. I hope it's simple, because he's using AOL and I'm not too familiar with that system. At least I'll get paid, which will help me afford to move. I currently can't afford to move. I currently can't afford much.
A friend posted a photo of my love on Facebook yesterday. Every time I see him I just melt. He's the sweetest looking man. I know he's been no good to me for months and months, but when I see him I just want to fall into his arms. I have this fantasy that he will text me and say, "How are you?" I would respond, "if you genuinely cared you wouldn't have to ask right now because you would have been there when it really mattered." He's never going to come to his senses. He's never going to realize how special I am. He's never coming back to me.
It's sad, and hard, to come to terms with that. I just miss him so much. I really don't have a lot of friends that I can count on. He was my best friend, in addition to being my sexy lover, and my cuddle bunny. I guess I wasn't anything special to him. He's sure proven that. Why I am holding on to someone who could so easily throw me away like a piece of garbage I just can't figure out.
Partly, I think being with him was comfortable. He was comfortable to be around. I could use some of that. I need some comfort. My back hurts, and my head hurts, and my heart hearts, and there is nothing I can do about any of this. There is nothing I can do.
I'm completely exhausted with this job I have to go to this morning, where I do really basic computer things for a 72 year old man who just doesn't get it. This morning I have to go all the way to the Bronx just to help him retrieve an attachment from a sent email. I hope it's simple, because he's using AOL and I'm not too familiar with that system. At least I'll get paid, which will help me afford to move. I currently can't afford to move. I currently can't afford much.
A friend posted a photo of my love on Facebook yesterday. Every time I see him I just melt. He's the sweetest looking man. I know he's been no good to me for months and months, but when I see him I just want to fall into his arms. I have this fantasy that he will text me and say, "How are you?" I would respond, "if you genuinely cared you wouldn't have to ask right now because you would have been there when it really mattered." He's never going to come to his senses. He's never going to realize how special I am. He's never coming back to me.
It's sad, and hard, to come to terms with that. I just miss him so much. I really don't have a lot of friends that I can count on. He was my best friend, in addition to being my sexy lover, and my cuddle bunny. I guess I wasn't anything special to him. He's sure proven that. Why I am holding on to someone who could so easily throw me away like a piece of garbage I just can't figure out.
Partly, I think being with him was comfortable. He was comfortable to be around. I could use some of that. I need some comfort. My back hurts, and my head hurts, and my heart hearts, and there is nothing I can do about any of this. There is nothing I can do.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Regression
Some days are better than others. Last night, for instance, I accidentally saw my love's face because he posted some shirts on his wall. I hadn't unliked that. I have now. It won't happen again. I then spent the rest of the night thinking and dreaming about him.
I dreamed we were at an art supply store. I may have worked there. It was also a cafe. I had my head in his lap. I loved having my head in his lap. I loved the way he would put on his underwear while looking in the mirror, making sure his package looked just right. He is so sexy. There will never be anyone in my life who is as sexy as he is. I'm sure of that.
I had done a painting of him naked with a hard-on. It's been hanging on my wall. I've decided to donate it to Sylvia Rivera Law Project's fundraiser this year, where they hold an art auction. I like the organization and think it's a very worthy cause. It's also a good way to turn something good out of something bad. I re-titled it "Aging Overweight Porn Star." This was a petty stab at him. I'm so hurt, angry, and disillusioned.
I'm also all of those things when it comes to apartment hunting. I've worked so hard in this city and I still can't really afford to live here. I'm at an age where I'd love to be settling down in a nice quiet apartment by myself somewhere, just me and my dog. It would be great if I could afford something like that in the east village, but it would be about $2000/month. I'm a failure. I'm a complete and dismal failure in every way. No wonder he left me.
It's not like I'm lazy. I work hard. I do everything I know how to do to both secure work and sell my art. I just don't know how much more there is to do. My ex has no problem. He works hard every day at his studio and people just flock to him. That was always inspiring to me. I wish he would hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I'm starting to tear up again. I haven't cried in a while.
I still miss him. I still want him back. It's really hard for me to do all of this alone. I didn't get to go to therapy this week because my therapist was sick. I don't know what I'm going to do. I need a miracle. I wish my love would be that miracle. I would make him work his ass off to prove he's learned his lesson, but I would take him back. I miss my little miracle.
I dreamed we were at an art supply store. I may have worked there. It was also a cafe. I had my head in his lap. I loved having my head in his lap. I loved the way he would put on his underwear while looking in the mirror, making sure his package looked just right. He is so sexy. There will never be anyone in my life who is as sexy as he is. I'm sure of that.
I had done a painting of him naked with a hard-on. It's been hanging on my wall. I've decided to donate it to Sylvia Rivera Law Project's fundraiser this year, where they hold an art auction. I like the organization and think it's a very worthy cause. It's also a good way to turn something good out of something bad. I re-titled it "Aging Overweight Porn Star." This was a petty stab at him. I'm so hurt, angry, and disillusioned.
I'm also all of those things when it comes to apartment hunting. I've worked so hard in this city and I still can't really afford to live here. I'm at an age where I'd love to be settling down in a nice quiet apartment by myself somewhere, just me and my dog. It would be great if I could afford something like that in the east village, but it would be about $2000/month. I'm a failure. I'm a complete and dismal failure in every way. No wonder he left me.
It's not like I'm lazy. I work hard. I do everything I know how to do to both secure work and sell my art. I just don't know how much more there is to do. My ex has no problem. He works hard every day at his studio and people just flock to him. That was always inspiring to me. I wish he would hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I'm starting to tear up again. I haven't cried in a while.
I still miss him. I still want him back. It's really hard for me to do all of this alone. I didn't get to go to therapy this week because my therapist was sick. I don't know what I'm going to do. I need a miracle. I wish my love would be that miracle. I would make him work his ass off to prove he's learned his lesson, but I would take him back. I miss my little miracle.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Late
I just got home from work. It was a long day but work moved quickly for the first couple of hours. While I'm there I just keep thinking about how I'm going to change this crappy job and poverty-stricken life into one that allows me to take care of myself, live more comfortably, and even move. I started looking for places today, in earnest, and there's just nothing out there. Everything in my price range turned out to be a Philippines scam to steal my identity. Go right ahead, Manilla.
I started taking my meds today. I've chosen to do that at 10am. This is a good time because if I'm up later I can still wake up in time to make something to eat, and if I'm up early I can get a lot done. I have to take them at the same time every day, and if I miss even one dose it could cause serious problems for the effectiveness of an entire line of medication, narrowing the options for me, and possibly closing a door. I've never had to deal with that sort of pressure for tiny pills. Technically, they're not so tiny. There are 5 a day, now, including the one I was taking before. I read all the info on them while I made a nice comfort breakfast. The worrying thing is that the side-effects all seem like the very symptoms that have already been debilitating me every week. I started taking these so I could stop having those fevers, pains, rashes, etc. I went to the doctor in the first place to solve those symptoms. Now it seems that I may have to deal with them forever. I'm not sure if they're spontaneously generated, or, like the main effects of the drugs, cumulative.
Last night I had a really pleasant dream. I was dreaming that someone loved me. It wasn't my ex. It was a man in a nice grey sweater that felt soft against my skin when I put my head on his shoulder. It felt safe. He seemed really together. My ex always seemed really together to me, also, but how could he be if this is how he treats his enfianced? I want the kind of love I deserve. I want to be held and made to feel bigger when I feel small. I feel so small all the time, these days. I feel small and ugly.
I'm trying to work hard, move forward, put a brave face on. I just don't have any answers, only questions. In my life, I sometimes know exactly what's supposed to happen next. This isn't one of those times. I still don't know what just happened. I really can't wrap my head around the way life has upended on me. Everything is sideways. It's no wonder I feel dizzy all the time.
My lips feel like sandpaper, my tongue feels too big for my mouth, my throat hurts. I can't drink enough water, but it's forced and doesn't satisfy. It's been since I last spoke to my ex that I actively sought out what he was doing online. It still flashes by on Facebook, and I look, but I don't click, or like, or pursue it in any way. I just can't. After the last time I cried out for help and he failed again, I know I have to give up on him. I need something he will never be. It's still so sad, but it doesn't bring tears to my eyes. That may change tomorrow.
I started taking my meds today. I've chosen to do that at 10am. This is a good time because if I'm up later I can still wake up in time to make something to eat, and if I'm up early I can get a lot done. I have to take them at the same time every day, and if I miss even one dose it could cause serious problems for the effectiveness of an entire line of medication, narrowing the options for me, and possibly closing a door. I've never had to deal with that sort of pressure for tiny pills. Technically, they're not so tiny. There are 5 a day, now, including the one I was taking before. I read all the info on them while I made a nice comfort breakfast. The worrying thing is that the side-effects all seem like the very symptoms that have already been debilitating me every week. I started taking these so I could stop having those fevers, pains, rashes, etc. I went to the doctor in the first place to solve those symptoms. Now it seems that I may have to deal with them forever. I'm not sure if they're spontaneously generated, or, like the main effects of the drugs, cumulative.
Last night I had a really pleasant dream. I was dreaming that someone loved me. It wasn't my ex. It was a man in a nice grey sweater that felt soft against my skin when I put my head on his shoulder. It felt safe. He seemed really together. My ex always seemed really together to me, also, but how could he be if this is how he treats his enfianced? I want the kind of love I deserve. I want to be held and made to feel bigger when I feel small. I feel so small all the time, these days. I feel small and ugly.
I'm trying to work hard, move forward, put a brave face on. I just don't have any answers, only questions. In my life, I sometimes know exactly what's supposed to happen next. This isn't one of those times. I still don't know what just happened. I really can't wrap my head around the way life has upended on me. Everything is sideways. It's no wonder I feel dizzy all the time.
My lips feel like sandpaper, my tongue feels too big for my mouth, my throat hurts. I can't drink enough water, but it's forced and doesn't satisfy. It's been since I last spoke to my ex that I actively sought out what he was doing online. It still flashes by on Facebook, and I look, but I don't click, or like, or pursue it in any way. I just can't. After the last time I cried out for help and he failed again, I know I have to give up on him. I need something he will never be. It's still so sad, but it doesn't bring tears to my eyes. That may change tomorrow.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Morbid
I sleep like a corpse, arms crossed or hands folded in supplication. Or, like the living dead, I moan and shift, seeking escape from these confines, dreaming of a world I will never see again, eyes forced closed. When I do dream, it is of him. He, who drags my bleeding entrails through the city, tangled in the gears of his ten-speed bike. Miles upon miles of carrion call to the rats in the gutters, "take him, I'm done."
I spent the weekend in bed, feverish and dizzy, unable to open my eyes for a searing pain in my right frontal lobe. There are no restful days when even the pillow betrays. The betrayals of the body I'm growing accustomed to. The betrayals of the heart, I never will. On Monday I had to work. Every turn or bend transformed me into a drunken ballerina, whirling precipitously close to the edge of full collapse. Somehow, I made it through. Miracles can still happen for the decayed.
As tears begin to rust these shackles of love I can feel them loosen occasionally, only to be countered by the bloating of rigor mortis, which pours my flesh over them the way foam overflows a tube. If I am foam, it explains it all. Soon, there may be no more shackles, only the shackle part of me. Like rotting teeth or fingernails, another thing to maintain in poverty and solitude.
I am a social and optimistic, highly morbid, person. He wanted me waiting in the kitchen, but when my heart was on a platter he pushed it away. Then, it was still fresh, or so I thought. Perhaps prepared with too much sauce, he always claimed to like simplicity, but only from me. I am not simple. I am trapped in a world I no longer belong in, forced to feed on the brains of others who've made it through, or who haven't.
Grandma is one who has. She says, "It's your movie." Mine is a genre pic. It's a tragic love story of a zombie's unrequited love for a stone. Grandma says, "you decide." So I did, and he didn't have a splash-guard to stop the fluid of my bleeding heart from spitting against my face as he spun away into the distance, never to return. Grandma says, "I love you," to everyone, and means it. He gives his love to a t-shirt, or a picture of auto-fellatio, or a stuffed animal, or to anyone at all who shows an ounce of superficial interest. Really, he'll give his love to anyone but me.
A free-thinker, and a talent who has seen more days than I may ever, Grandma says all the right things. I simply do all the wrong things. That must be it. For the most part, I have acted with integrity, wherever possible. If anything, I spoiled him. He was spoiled already, to a great extent, I now realize. That last piece of fruit in the bottom of the bowl, browned and useless for anything but compost. Except, I am the compost, a lily-gilder turned daisy-pusher.
Mephistopheles, where? Only within. Within us all. Yet the angels abound, and she is one. Powerful radiance and magical zest propel a strong mind and a lithe body towards ever greater triumphs. Majestic faith and trust, not only in self, but in the future, inspire everyone she touches. She always has a kind word, she always has an open heart, she is one of the good ones.
I spent the weekend in bed, feverish and dizzy, unable to open my eyes for a searing pain in my right frontal lobe. There are no restful days when even the pillow betrays. The betrayals of the body I'm growing accustomed to. The betrayals of the heart, I never will. On Monday I had to work. Every turn or bend transformed me into a drunken ballerina, whirling precipitously close to the edge of full collapse. Somehow, I made it through. Miracles can still happen for the decayed.
As tears begin to rust these shackles of love I can feel them loosen occasionally, only to be countered by the bloating of rigor mortis, which pours my flesh over them the way foam overflows a tube. If I am foam, it explains it all. Soon, there may be no more shackles, only the shackle part of me. Like rotting teeth or fingernails, another thing to maintain in poverty and solitude.
I am a social and optimistic, highly morbid, person. He wanted me waiting in the kitchen, but when my heart was on a platter he pushed it away. Then, it was still fresh, or so I thought. Perhaps prepared with too much sauce, he always claimed to like simplicity, but only from me. I am not simple. I am trapped in a world I no longer belong in, forced to feed on the brains of others who've made it through, or who haven't.
Grandma is one who has. She says, "It's your movie." Mine is a genre pic. It's a tragic love story of a zombie's unrequited love for a stone. Grandma says, "you decide." So I did, and he didn't have a splash-guard to stop the fluid of my bleeding heart from spitting against my face as he spun away into the distance, never to return. Grandma says, "I love you," to everyone, and means it. He gives his love to a t-shirt, or a picture of auto-fellatio, or a stuffed animal, or to anyone at all who shows an ounce of superficial interest. Really, he'll give his love to anyone but me.
A free-thinker, and a talent who has seen more days than I may ever, Grandma says all the right things. I simply do all the wrong things. That must be it. For the most part, I have acted with integrity, wherever possible. If anything, I spoiled him. He was spoiled already, to a great extent, I now realize. That last piece of fruit in the bottom of the bowl, browned and useless for anything but compost. Except, I am the compost, a lily-gilder turned daisy-pusher.
Mephistopheles, where? Only within. Within us all. Yet the angels abound, and she is one. Powerful radiance and magical zest propel a strong mind and a lithe body towards ever greater triumphs. Majestic faith and trust, not only in self, but in the future, inspire everyone she touches. She always has a kind word, she always has an open heart, she is one of the good ones.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Death to Friendship
I have signaled the death knell of our attempt to be friends. I needed him. I called out to him. I asked for help. He doesn't seem to care or realize that I have proven time and again that I am not asking for anything I'm not willing to give. I have dropped everything to be with him, I have dropped everything to worry him. I wept and wept when I called out for help and his voice was so cold. He is so mean. He can be such an asshole.
I basically spent the rest of the day sending him text messages and emails reminding him what a terrible person he's being. I told him things about how he's a failure and will always be a failure because he doesn't recognize true value. I told him he needs a smack down. I told him that I was always there for him 110%. I told him that I am a better person and I am a better artist. I told him he's hiding, and a coward.
Early on in the day he told me that he couldn't contact me any more for his mental health. I told him his mental health was atrocious but that his spiritual health was much worse. I just kept going. Right up until the end of the night, I just kept going. Then I told him I wasn't going to keep doing the to myself. Then I kept going.
I'm so angry at him for being such a total waste of humanity. What a failure he is that I still can't count on him for anything even after I've been there for him so many times. When I thought he was suicidal I dropped everything to comfort and care for him. He kept saying, "thank you for your light." He doesn't want light, though. He wants to hide in fear and selfishness. He is so selfish.
I'm selfish too, but I'm fighting the good fight. He keeps saying that he wants to give himself to the world, use his gifts for the benefit of the world. He's not, though, and I think he knows it. He wants to seem altruistic, but in reality he is just a scared selfish little boy trying to get famous before he dies. If he actually wanted to be a giver, he would recognize that I have every right to expect him to be there for me.
He won't, though, and I am wasting my time hoping for it. He may never have the eureka moment where he realizes what a complete idiot he is. It's not my job to teach him, or help him, anymore. He's made that decision. It is my job to take care of myself so I don't die of AIDS, take care of my dog, and try to find a new place to live. Every one of those things would be so easy if only I could lean on his strength, but I can't. Somehow, impossible as it seems, I have to find my own.
I have a doctor's appointment to go to. Today I start taking AIDS medicine. Not sure what but I'm convinced I'm going to become another one with AIDS-face. Who can love a face like that? Not a healthy scared child of a man, I guess. I never could, either.
I basically spent the rest of the day sending him text messages and emails reminding him what a terrible person he's being. I told him things about how he's a failure and will always be a failure because he doesn't recognize true value. I told him he needs a smack down. I told him that I was always there for him 110%. I told him that I am a better person and I am a better artist. I told him he's hiding, and a coward.
Early on in the day he told me that he couldn't contact me any more for his mental health. I told him his mental health was atrocious but that his spiritual health was much worse. I just kept going. Right up until the end of the night, I just kept going. Then I told him I wasn't going to keep doing the to myself. Then I kept going.
I'm so angry at him for being such a total waste of humanity. What a failure he is that I still can't count on him for anything even after I've been there for him so many times. When I thought he was suicidal I dropped everything to comfort and care for him. He kept saying, "thank you for your light." He doesn't want light, though. He wants to hide in fear and selfishness. He is so selfish.
I'm selfish too, but I'm fighting the good fight. He keeps saying that he wants to give himself to the world, use his gifts for the benefit of the world. He's not, though, and I think he knows it. He wants to seem altruistic, but in reality he is just a scared selfish little boy trying to get famous before he dies. If he actually wanted to be a giver, he would recognize that I have every right to expect him to be there for me.
He won't, though, and I am wasting my time hoping for it. He may never have the eureka moment where he realizes what a complete idiot he is. It's not my job to teach him, or help him, anymore. He's made that decision. It is my job to take care of myself so I don't die of AIDS, take care of my dog, and try to find a new place to live. Every one of those things would be so easy if only I could lean on his strength, but I can't. Somehow, impossible as it seems, I have to find my own.
I have a doctor's appointment to go to. Today I start taking AIDS medicine. Not sure what but I'm convinced I'm going to become another one with AIDS-face. Who can love a face like that? Not a healthy scared child of a man, I guess. I never could, either.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Irresolution
I emailed him again this morning. In my early stages of waking I called to him, as I do every morning. I slowly tossed and turned as the sun began to rise, the cold wind blowing through my open window, the sounds of birds and business. His name repeats, constantly, within the slowly turning wheel of my mind. I reach for him, still. I long for him, still.
This morning I was thinking about something he'd said to me regarding opportunities he's been given and things not working out. He said that the things he most hopes for often don't pan out, and if they do they don't work out in a way that really makes much difference to his career. I feel sad that he can't see all of the good things right in front of him. If he could, he would be with me.
He's working on a magazine project involving supermodels from the 90s. Even though I told him only two days ago that I wasn't going to email him anymore I still decided to send him an affirmation this morning, as well as images that he could use as references. His work is so beautiful, and I think that he is doing great things. I want to remind him of my support, but I didn't mention anything about myself with this email.
I told him recently that things aren't always black and white, but I think I've been thinking of things in black and white. I've been thinking of how badly I want him back and how I need things now. He keeps saying that where he's at right now doesn't allow it. That doesn't mean there's no hope, but if he's unwilling to meet me half way then there's no hope. He consistently proves he isn't.
My respected older friends continue to say very wise things, my family continues to say very wise things. My life continues to spiral out of my control. My dreams continue to defy the reasonable. I want him back. I just want him back. That's where all of my energy is going. It's not reasonable, it's love.
I hope he appreciates the email I sent him today. I also sent him $200. His horoscope keeps saying that money is causing him tons of stress lately. I read his horoscope every day. For the past 2 weeks or so it's been saying that he's got to turn his financial picture around. I can't really afford to pay him the other $200 I still owe him. I probably couldn't afford to pay him this amount, but I had it in the bank and I want him to have it. I don't want to add to his stress.
What with potentially having to move in addition to everything else I'm not really sure what is going to happen. I don't know. I am in so much of a state of flux that moving in any direction seems like the wrong choice. Doing anything seems like the wrong thing to do. Saying anything seems like the wrong thing to say. Everything would be so much easier if I could just lean on him a little. He's so afraid. It must be that.
This morning I was thinking about something he'd said to me regarding opportunities he's been given and things not working out. He said that the things he most hopes for often don't pan out, and if they do they don't work out in a way that really makes much difference to his career. I feel sad that he can't see all of the good things right in front of him. If he could, he would be with me.
He's working on a magazine project involving supermodels from the 90s. Even though I told him only two days ago that I wasn't going to email him anymore I still decided to send him an affirmation this morning, as well as images that he could use as references. His work is so beautiful, and I think that he is doing great things. I want to remind him of my support, but I didn't mention anything about myself with this email.
I told him recently that things aren't always black and white, but I think I've been thinking of things in black and white. I've been thinking of how badly I want him back and how I need things now. He keeps saying that where he's at right now doesn't allow it. That doesn't mean there's no hope, but if he's unwilling to meet me half way then there's no hope. He consistently proves he isn't.
My respected older friends continue to say very wise things, my family continues to say very wise things. My life continues to spiral out of my control. My dreams continue to defy the reasonable. I want him back. I just want him back. That's where all of my energy is going. It's not reasonable, it's love.
I hope he appreciates the email I sent him today. I also sent him $200. His horoscope keeps saying that money is causing him tons of stress lately. I read his horoscope every day. For the past 2 weeks or so it's been saying that he's got to turn his financial picture around. I can't really afford to pay him the other $200 I still owe him. I probably couldn't afford to pay him this amount, but I had it in the bank and I want him to have it. I don't want to add to his stress.
What with potentially having to move in addition to everything else I'm not really sure what is going to happen. I don't know. I am in so much of a state of flux that moving in any direction seems like the wrong choice. Doing anything seems like the wrong thing to do. Saying anything seems like the wrong thing to say. Everything would be so much easier if I could just lean on him a little. He's so afraid. It must be that.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Going, Going, Gone
I just found out that my home life is in turmoil again. My landlords want me out. I was always the one who tried to assert my rights, when there was no heat, when there was no respect, when there was no understanding. My roommates couldn't do it. It got to the point where I wasn't even allowed to talk to them. Now they've simply told one of the people I live with that they don't want me there anymore, because of my dog, or so they said. I don't want to move. I don't want another worry, another stress.
Yesterday I saw my love for the last time. It was beautiful and sad. He gave me two crystals, one a geode, the other I'm not sure what. I gave him a bunch of stuff I wanted him to have, including a painting. I gave him all the love I could. Then he left and I gave him until the end of the night to change his mind. I told him that by midnight I would stop. I did. I wept.
I want things to work out. I want to have JJ in a safe place that is home. I want to have a home. I want to have a sanctuary. I want to have some peace. I have so little. I want my lover to hold me and kiss me when he comes home from work. I want him to be with me. He won't. He just won't. I'm so stressed out by all of this and AIDS and home.
I am pouring my heart out on a blog that nobody reads. I am pouring my heart out on Facebook, alienating all my friends. I was pouring my heart out to my lover's deaf ears. I don't know how I can keep having any heart to pour out. I feel so empty. I feel so drained.
I just want to be held and protected, to be made to feel safe. I just want things to be what they were two months ago. Only two months ago I had it all. I had the lover of my dreams, I had a home I felt safe in, I had a future, I had my health. Now I have nothing at all. Just burdens and responsibilities I can't possibly meet.
Where is my love? Where is my protector? Where is the man who is supposed to stand by me? I can't even call on him anymore. I can't expect anything from him. My whole world is falling apart and I can't even ask to be held or understood. Kill me. Kill me, please.
Yesterday I saw my love for the last time. It was beautiful and sad. He gave me two crystals, one a geode, the other I'm not sure what. I gave him a bunch of stuff I wanted him to have, including a painting. I gave him all the love I could. Then he left and I gave him until the end of the night to change his mind. I told him that by midnight I would stop. I did. I wept.
I want things to work out. I want to have JJ in a safe place that is home. I want to have a home. I want to have a sanctuary. I want to have some peace. I have so little. I want my lover to hold me and kiss me when he comes home from work. I want him to be with me. He won't. He just won't. I'm so stressed out by all of this and AIDS and home.
I am pouring my heart out on a blog that nobody reads. I am pouring my heart out on Facebook, alienating all my friends. I was pouring my heart out to my lover's deaf ears. I don't know how I can keep having any heart to pour out. I feel so empty. I feel so drained.
I just want to be held and protected, to be made to feel safe. I just want things to be what they were two months ago. Only two months ago I had it all. I had the lover of my dreams, I had a home I felt safe in, I had a future, I had my health. Now I have nothing at all. Just burdens and responsibilities I can't possibly meet.
Where is my love? Where is my protector? Where is the man who is supposed to stand by me? I can't even call on him anymore. I can't expect anything from him. My whole world is falling apart and I can't even ask to be held or understood. Kill me. Kill me, please.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Relationship
He says that he doesn't want a relationship. He won't try. Why do I keep trying? I'm a fool. He wasn't there for me when I needed him most. Is he beating himself up over it? Is he hurting? Is he trying to avoid hurting me? He says he is. I'm hurting. I want my man. I want my love. I want my husband. He won't be any of those things.
Yesterday I went to the Met with some friends, good friends. We began discussing my love and they said, "fuck him." Basically, their attitude is that he proved himself unworthy and that I need to cut my losses and fight my battle with AIDS. One of them had leukemia and beat it, and he knows what it's like to fight for your health. The irony is that earlier in the day my love had been telling me I was a part of his army of love and I responded that I wanted to be its commander-in-chief. He won't even be a soldier. He won't let me cuddle him or spend the night. He won't let me do anything but hurt.
I thought that possibly being at his friend's wedding would open his eyes to how special love can be. Turns out it didn't. He keeps saying, "I can't be in a relationship." I keep saying, "you already are." That's selfish. I'm being so selfish. I just sent him an email telling him I want to stop being selfish. I told him to come pick up his power cable for his projector and we would say farewell. I have to stop bothering him. I have to stop emailing him.
I have to stop loving him. I won't, though. I never will. I will always come running if he needs me. I will always drop everything if he needs me. I will always give him everything I have and everything I am. I know it with a certainty and clarity that allows me to see years into the future. I am so completely his.
Yesterday I went to the Met with some friends, good friends. We began discussing my love and they said, "fuck him." Basically, their attitude is that he proved himself unworthy and that I need to cut my losses and fight my battle with AIDS. One of them had leukemia and beat it, and he knows what it's like to fight for your health. The irony is that earlier in the day my love had been telling me I was a part of his army of love and I responded that I wanted to be its commander-in-chief. He won't even be a soldier. He won't let me cuddle him or spend the night. He won't let me do anything but hurt.
I thought that possibly being at his friend's wedding would open his eyes to how special love can be. Turns out it didn't. He keeps saying, "I can't be in a relationship." I keep saying, "you already are." That's selfish. I'm being so selfish. I just sent him an email telling him I want to stop being selfish. I told him to come pick up his power cable for his projector and we would say farewell. I have to stop bothering him. I have to stop emailing him.
I have to stop loving him. I won't, though. I never will. I will always come running if he needs me. I will always drop everything if he needs me. I will always give him everything I have and everything I am. I know it with a certainty and clarity that allows me to see years into the future. I am so completely his.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Wedding Day Blues
One of his best friends is getting married today. I wouldn't have been allowed to attend even if we were still together, because of a series of events in which my feelings weren't taken into any consideration. I was jealous of the physical intimacy shared by them, and I asked that it not occur around me so that I didn't have to see it. Instead of dealing with it, I was told that it was my issue and that I was being unreasonable. That led to further problems and eventually caused a breakdown in communication between his friend and I. I've since apologized and I feel like we can do better in the future, should there come a time.
I want him to really think about what marriage means today. I not only want him to think about what it means to himself and to his friends, but what it means to me. I sent him the email, below, to try to provoke some thought. I don't know if it's too much. At this point, I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I'll be able to see him tomorrow night, but I'll be working. He's got to come in to take a power cable for a projector I bought him. I probably ended up spending close to $1000.00 on him every month. He's since said I'm not allowed to spend money on him. He really doesn't understand how little money means to me, and how much seeing him smile does.
"I hope you had a lovely day yesterday, surrounded by the warmth and love of true friends, and were able to sleep peacefully at the end of it. I hope that you feel supported and loved by the many people around you, and that you are getting the attention you deserve and need. I hope that that continues today while you partake in a celebration of true and lasting love, joy and festivity. They really couldn't have found a more appropriate choice for best man.
You are my best man. You are my only man. While you're at this wedding, I am sure you will be very busy and barely have time to focus on the deep and meaningful bond shared by Krys and Michael. I'm sure it's not always easy for them. I'm sure they each have their doubts, insecurities, and issues. I'm sure at times it takes a lot of hard work and determination. Eventually, all love becomes a choice. It is a choice between a loving partnership or selfishness. It is not a honeymoon forever and sooner or later a person has to decide that there is something very special about this one person who has captured their heart and attention.
You've captured my heart and attention, and you are the most special person in the world to me. You've earned my devotion, you've been worthy of my love. You've been kind, generous, sweet, endearing, and loving in the most powerfully effective way. Things were very easy for a while. Then they became work. Then you made a choice not to.
It's not too late. I've worked so hard to try to show you what spending my life with you means to me. I've worked so hard to show you how powerful my love is. I've worked so hard to try to alleviate your doubts and insecurities. I have them, too. I've worked so hard to forgive the feelings of betrayal and abandonment that ripped my heart to pieces. I've worked so hard to show you and tell you that I am here for you, still, even though you couldn't be there for me when it most mattered. I never even paused or hesitated, and I never will, when I thought you were in trouble. If you need me, I am here, ready to offer you all the love I have. Ready to offer you everything I have. Ready to offer you everything I am.
I'm here for you, no matter what. I'm yours, no matter what. I love you, no matter what. Until the day my heart stops beating, it beats for you. You are a beautiful man, inside and out. Some things you're sure of, like your talent. Some things you doubt. Some things you do exceptionally well. Some things require more work. You are not perfect. You don't have to be perfect. You are loved because of your talents and despite your doubts. You are loved because of what you do well and despite your failings. You are loved because you are human. You are only one man, but you are the best man for me.
I will never give up on you."
I don't know whether I should stop sending these. People keep telling me I should and let him come to me. I don't know whether these emails are helping or hurting. I don't know if I even have a chance. I probably don't. I don't unless he allows it. I've gone as far as I can on my own. It's completely up to him now. I hope today he can think about some of these things.
I want him to really think about what marriage means today. I not only want him to think about what it means to himself and to his friends, but what it means to me. I sent him the email, below, to try to provoke some thought. I don't know if it's too much. At this point, I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I'll be able to see him tomorrow night, but I'll be working. He's got to come in to take a power cable for a projector I bought him. I probably ended up spending close to $1000.00 on him every month. He's since said I'm not allowed to spend money on him. He really doesn't understand how little money means to me, and how much seeing him smile does.
"I hope you had a lovely day yesterday, surrounded by the warmth and love of true friends, and were able to sleep peacefully at the end of it. I hope that you feel supported and loved by the many people around you, and that you are getting the attention you deserve and need. I hope that that continues today while you partake in a celebration of true and lasting love, joy and festivity. They really couldn't have found a more appropriate choice for best man.
You are my best man. You are my only man. While you're at this wedding, I am sure you will be very busy and barely have time to focus on the deep and meaningful bond shared by Krys and Michael. I'm sure it's not always easy for them. I'm sure they each have their doubts, insecurities, and issues. I'm sure at times it takes a lot of hard work and determination. Eventually, all love becomes a choice. It is a choice between a loving partnership or selfishness. It is not a honeymoon forever and sooner or later a person has to decide that there is something very special about this one person who has captured their heart and attention.
You've captured my heart and attention, and you are the most special person in the world to me. You've earned my devotion, you've been worthy of my love. You've been kind, generous, sweet, endearing, and loving in the most powerfully effective way. Things were very easy for a while. Then they became work. Then you made a choice not to.
It's not too late. I've worked so hard to try to show you what spending my life with you means to me. I've worked so hard to show you how powerful my love is. I've worked so hard to try to alleviate your doubts and insecurities. I have them, too. I've worked so hard to forgive the feelings of betrayal and abandonment that ripped my heart to pieces. I've worked so hard to show you and tell you that I am here for you, still, even though you couldn't be there for me when it most mattered. I never even paused or hesitated, and I never will, when I thought you were in trouble. If you need me, I am here, ready to offer you all the love I have. Ready to offer you everything I have. Ready to offer you everything I am.
I'm here for you, no matter what. I'm yours, no matter what. I love you, no matter what. Until the day my heart stops beating, it beats for you. You are a beautiful man, inside and out. Some things you're sure of, like your talent. Some things you doubt. Some things you do exceptionally well. Some things require more work. You are not perfect. You don't have to be perfect. You are loved because of your talents and despite your doubts. You are loved because of what you do well and despite your failings. You are loved because you are human. You are only one man, but you are the best man for me.
I will never give up on you."
I don't know whether I should stop sending these. People keep telling me I should and let him come to me. I don't know whether these emails are helping or hurting. I don't know if I even have a chance. I probably don't. I don't unless he allows it. I've gone as far as I can on my own. It's completely up to him now. I hope today he can think about some of these things.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Loss
I had a very productive day yesterday despite having an awful headache. I had a lunch meeting with a fellow artist who asked for help with Facebook. Then I had a meeting for a show I'm curating. Some very exciting things came out of that, as well as some great advice. The wise, 72 year-old, and respected person I was meeting with starting talking to me about him and saying that I would be far more attractive if I made myself less available. She said to just back off. By the time I left she had convinced me that I was being a door mat, despite the integrity it takes to go after what I want.
I made my way home after that, hunger and headache in hand. I couldn't decide what to eat, so I took some pain relievers and went to bed. This was at 6:30. Around 10 I woke up with incredibly persistent stomach cramps and no headache. The pain was so terrible I was doubled over in bed. My roommates were having some kind of party and there were all these people here, but I still managed to make it to the bathroom in time to throw up. There wasn't really anything in my stomach, though, just this foul acid and chemical solution.
I went back to bed and just woke up. I have a headache, but am afraid to take pain relievers, now. I woke up to find I had missed an email from my love. Another friend of his, his bestie from SF, has passed away. How could I not respond to that email? Now is not the time to play hard to get. I responded with condolences and told him I was here for him. I am here for him. This is really hard. This is the longest I have gone without sex, it is the longest I have gone without him, it is the longest I have gone in limbo. I am in limbo.
I have to go to therapy. My therapist must think I'm insane, not because of what I say, but because all I focus on is my love. I have all of this other stuff to deal with and I only want to talk about him. That's because I only want to be with him. I wish I could be with him. I wish he truly understood the value of what I have to offer him. I can't play hard to get with him. I have to be here for him, no matter what. This is the hardest part. Sometimes it's easier. Sometimes it's harder. This prolonged longing is almost too much for me. I want my baby. I want my man.
I made my way home after that, hunger and headache in hand. I couldn't decide what to eat, so I took some pain relievers and went to bed. This was at 6:30. Around 10 I woke up with incredibly persistent stomach cramps and no headache. The pain was so terrible I was doubled over in bed. My roommates were having some kind of party and there were all these people here, but I still managed to make it to the bathroom in time to throw up. There wasn't really anything in my stomach, though, just this foul acid and chemical solution.
I went back to bed and just woke up. I have a headache, but am afraid to take pain relievers, now. I woke up to find I had missed an email from my love. Another friend of his, his bestie from SF, has passed away. How could I not respond to that email? Now is not the time to play hard to get. I responded with condolences and told him I was here for him. I am here for him. This is really hard. This is the longest I have gone without sex, it is the longest I have gone without him, it is the longest I have gone in limbo. I am in limbo.
I have to go to therapy. My therapist must think I'm insane, not because of what I say, but because all I focus on is my love. I have all of this other stuff to deal with and I only want to talk about him. That's because I only want to be with him. I wish I could be with him. I wish he truly understood the value of what I have to offer him. I can't play hard to get with him. I have to be here for him, no matter what. This is the hardest part. Sometimes it's easier. Sometimes it's harder. This prolonged longing is almost too much for me. I want my baby. I want my man.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Affirmation
We went to MoMA yesterday and it was hard. I followed him wordlessly. I couldn't tell if he was running from me or to paintings. He moved very quickly. He got itchy and wouldn't let me help him scratch it. I feel like he is so closed off. He made time, though, and afterwards thanked me. Later on I texted him that I'd been getting hard-ons all day thinking about how he looked. He reminded me that I had once, in anger, referred to him as an overweight, aging porn star. When I tried to explain the anger that caused those words there was no response. Most of the time now I feel like I'm talking to a wall.
I sent him this message first thing this morning:
"I hope that you had a great sleep last night after a wonderful day of productivity and inspiration. You are loved. You are a very special, SEXY, caring man with many wonderful talents. You are loved for those parts of you as well as for the parts you are working on improving. You are loved for everything you are, with no conditions. There is so much to love about you. There is so much to respect about you. While you continue to build an even more deep and meaningful life this love will be there for you, unceasingly. You never have to doubt it, you never have to fear losing it. You only need to accept it and be peaceful.
You know that there's nobody more sexy than you in the entire world. I love your face, with your angled brown eyes that crinkle when you laugh and your soft pink lips that smile so sweetly. I love your tongue and the way it feels in my mouth, licking my ass, or teasing my ear while you fuck me from behind. I love your ears, they are so cute and perfectly shaped. I love your hair, that delightful dark brown on top with the signs of maturity on the sides is incredibly sexy. I love that scar on the back of your head. I love your neck and how soft your skin is leading down into a hard muscular body. I love your chest, with all that sexy chest hair and soft pink nipples. I love your stomach and your tasty belly button. I love your ass, so round and firm and wonderful to bury my face in. I love your legs, with great calves and sexy knees. I love your feet, the way the skin is always soft and none of the toes are misshapen. I love your balls. I love how they hang and are so velvety and full. I love how you always shoot big loads of hot juicy cum. I love your dick. I love how long long it is and how it gets so hard. I love how smooth and how it curves up. I love how you use it. I love how you use your whole body. I wish you were using your whole body on me now. I'm dripping pre-cum from my morning wood while I think about all of the parts of your body.
This is the longest I have gone without sex since before I moved to NYC. I have had opportunities, and offers, but I do not want to have sex with anybody but you. I never did. Even when I thought I did, it was because I missed you, because I needed you, and I was so hopeless. Nobody compares to you. Nothing compares to you. There is only you. When I masturbate, I either stare at photos of you or close my eyes and imagine your body pressed up against me from behind. I think about all of those parts of your body that I love so much. I wish I had been a better lover for you. I wish I had been the best lover you ever had. All of this is meant to show you how sexy you are. All of this is meant to heal the wound I caused with stupid callous words.
I love you. I love everything about you. Clothed or naked, speaking or silent, sleeping or awake, I send you love with my whole heart. I am sending you love now. I am sending you soft lover's kisses and a man's strong hug. I know you may never again find me attractive or compliment-worthy, but for me there is only you. There is nobody but you. You rise above every other man in sexiness. You rise above every other man in talent. You rise above every other man in kindness. You rise above every other man in my esteem. If you took a picture of my heart's desires you would see yourself clearly, and you would never doubt how special you are. You would never doubt how wonderful you are. You would know that you are loved completely."
He responded by thanking me, telling me I should have sex with other people, and that he was going to be turning off his phone today to astral project. I need so much and all he is doing is allowing me to give. That's progress, but I'm damned impatient. I keep hinting that I need a compliment. He told me he feels ugly and I spent a lot of effort proving he wasn't. I don't tell him I feel ugly. I do, though. What he's not seeing is that I need him to be there for me, too. He won't. I wonder if he ever will.
I sent him this message first thing this morning:
"I hope that you had a great sleep last night after a wonderful day of productivity and inspiration. You are loved. You are a very special, SEXY, caring man with many wonderful talents. You are loved for those parts of you as well as for the parts you are working on improving. You are loved for everything you are, with no conditions. There is so much to love about you. There is so much to respect about you. While you continue to build an even more deep and meaningful life this love will be there for you, unceasingly. You never have to doubt it, you never have to fear losing it. You only need to accept it and be peaceful.
You know that there's nobody more sexy than you in the entire world. I love your face, with your angled brown eyes that crinkle when you laugh and your soft pink lips that smile so sweetly. I love your tongue and the way it feels in my mouth, licking my ass, or teasing my ear while you fuck me from behind. I love your ears, they are so cute and perfectly shaped. I love your hair, that delightful dark brown on top with the signs of maturity on the sides is incredibly sexy. I love that scar on the back of your head. I love your neck and how soft your skin is leading down into a hard muscular body. I love your chest, with all that sexy chest hair and soft pink nipples. I love your stomach and your tasty belly button. I love your ass, so round and firm and wonderful to bury my face in. I love your legs, with great calves and sexy knees. I love your feet, the way the skin is always soft and none of the toes are misshapen. I love your balls. I love how they hang and are so velvety and full. I love how you always shoot big loads of hot juicy cum. I love your dick. I love how long long it is and how it gets so hard. I love how smooth and how it curves up. I love how you use it. I love how you use your whole body. I wish you were using your whole body on me now. I'm dripping pre-cum from my morning wood while I think about all of the parts of your body.
This is the longest I have gone without sex since before I moved to NYC. I have had opportunities, and offers, but I do not want to have sex with anybody but you. I never did. Even when I thought I did, it was because I missed you, because I needed you, and I was so hopeless. Nobody compares to you. Nothing compares to you. There is only you. When I masturbate, I either stare at photos of you or close my eyes and imagine your body pressed up against me from behind. I think about all of those parts of your body that I love so much. I wish I had been a better lover for you. I wish I had been the best lover you ever had. All of this is meant to show you how sexy you are. All of this is meant to heal the wound I caused with stupid callous words.
I love you. I love everything about you. Clothed or naked, speaking or silent, sleeping or awake, I send you love with my whole heart. I am sending you love now. I am sending you soft lover's kisses and a man's strong hug. I know you may never again find me attractive or compliment-worthy, but for me there is only you. There is nobody but you. You rise above every other man in sexiness. You rise above every other man in talent. You rise above every other man in kindness. You rise above every other man in my esteem. If you took a picture of my heart's desires you would see yourself clearly, and you would never doubt how special you are. You would never doubt how wonderful you are. You would know that you are loved completely."
He responded by thanking me, telling me I should have sex with other people, and that he was going to be turning off his phone today to astral project. I need so much and all he is doing is allowing me to give. That's progress, but I'm damned impatient. I keep hinting that I need a compliment. He told me he feels ugly and I spent a lot of effort proving he wasn't. I don't tell him I feel ugly. I do, though. What he's not seeing is that I need him to be there for me, too. He won't. I wonder if he ever will.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Getting what you want to want
I sent him this this morning:
"I hope that you had a wonderfully peaceful relaxing sleep and that if you dreamed they were pleasant and calming dreams. Today will be another busy and hard day for you, I'm sure. There are so many rewards to the energy and time you are putting into your work. Please remember that there are plenty of other types of rewards, too. It is important to have a balanced and healthy life. Make sure you eat well, take appropriate breaks, and take time to give and receive love. These things will help keep you strong enough to keep reaching for the stars.
I love you so much. I loved you before we met. I will love you until the day I die, possibly before. I knew I loved you the first night you held me in your arms while we lay in your bed and I felt your soft and loving kiss on my back. My heart completely melted for you that night. You are everything I ever wanted in a man. I love your focus and dedication, I love your determination. I love you. I simply love you. This love is not here to judge you, it is not here to be demanding, it is not here to take from you. This love is here to accept you as you are, it is here to offer you everything I am, it is here to give.
The reason I keep asking to see you and be with you is because I want to give to you. You already own my heart and soul. I hope you know that. My body is yours, too. When I think of someone else touching me I feel physically ill. What I really want to give to you is just a few precious moments of a lover's touch. I want to press my beating heart up against yours. I want to press my soft cheek up against yours. I want to show you en entire human being that KNOWS you are the most perfect man for him. Again, not perfect, but perfect for me.
I dream of you every night. Sometimes I wake up crying from those dreams. I reach for you, first thing in the morning. I long for you last thing at night. I love you. My love is never going to go anywhere. It is always going to be here for you. You don't have to do anything for it. You don't have to focus on it, you don't have to drop everything for it. I will always be the love you need. I will always encourage you, support you, and pull you up when you are down. Because I believe in you, I will try to add the balance and enrichment to your life that you sometimes forget you need.
I feel like you were finally honest with me about a few very important things. I hope you feel empowered by that. You never have to be anything but honest with me, and I will still love you, still support you. I am building a bridge back to your heart. I hope you will meet me halfway. Don't label or limit my love. I've told you that for me there is only one man on earth, and that is you. You are the one. I know that you consider yourself a broken man. Work on healing yourself, and let me love help.
When you are weak, I will carry you. When you are successful, I will applaud you. When you are scared, I will be a light for you. When you are sad, I will kiss your tears away. When you are tired, I will sing you the sweetest lullaby. When you feel alone, I will remind you that you are never alone. I am with you. I am always with you. When and if you ever decide to reward my love, I will be there physically, lying beside you, listening to you breathe. You don't have to ever decide that, and I will still be here, still be loving you, still be offering you everything I have and everything I am. It is already yours and yours alone.
I love you and am eternally yours."
He responded that he is going to give himself to the world. I told him that he is mine. We had a long chat where he explained that he doesn't want to be monogamous or husbands. I think I still expect him to change his mind. I'm not sure if I'm being fair to him by not telling him what I want. I told him it has to be him. I told him I was being hit on and that I keep turning people down. He said he wished I wouldn't. I said it has to be him. It does have to be him.
We are going to MoMA in an hour. He will have an hour to spend with me. I am really looking forward to seeing him. When he is at a museum he just looks at the work, retreats into his own head. He doesn't need any conversation. I just want to hold his hand. I want to put my head on his shoulder. I do need him.
He told me that he belongs to the world, that he wants to give himself to the world. He belongs to me. He already gave himself to me. I keep thinking that I want him to give me a real commitment and be a real partner so we can work this out. He keeps saying that he wants to be free. I am not being fair to either of us. I don't know what to do.
"I hope that you had a wonderfully peaceful relaxing sleep and that if you dreamed they were pleasant and calming dreams. Today will be another busy and hard day for you, I'm sure. There are so many rewards to the energy and time you are putting into your work. Please remember that there are plenty of other types of rewards, too. It is important to have a balanced and healthy life. Make sure you eat well, take appropriate breaks, and take time to give and receive love. These things will help keep you strong enough to keep reaching for the stars.
I love you so much. I loved you before we met. I will love you until the day I die, possibly before. I knew I loved you the first night you held me in your arms while we lay in your bed and I felt your soft and loving kiss on my back. My heart completely melted for you that night. You are everything I ever wanted in a man. I love your focus and dedication, I love your determination. I love you. I simply love you. This love is not here to judge you, it is not here to be demanding, it is not here to take from you. This love is here to accept you as you are, it is here to offer you everything I am, it is here to give.
The reason I keep asking to see you and be with you is because I want to give to you. You already own my heart and soul. I hope you know that. My body is yours, too. When I think of someone else touching me I feel physically ill. What I really want to give to you is just a few precious moments of a lover's touch. I want to press my beating heart up against yours. I want to press my soft cheek up against yours. I want to show you en entire human being that KNOWS you are the most perfect man for him. Again, not perfect, but perfect for me.
I dream of you every night. Sometimes I wake up crying from those dreams. I reach for you, first thing in the morning. I long for you last thing at night. I love you. My love is never going to go anywhere. It is always going to be here for you. You don't have to do anything for it. You don't have to focus on it, you don't have to drop everything for it. I will always be the love you need. I will always encourage you, support you, and pull you up when you are down. Because I believe in you, I will try to add the balance and enrichment to your life that you sometimes forget you need.
I feel like you were finally honest with me about a few very important things. I hope you feel empowered by that. You never have to be anything but honest with me, and I will still love you, still support you. I am building a bridge back to your heart. I hope you will meet me halfway. Don't label or limit my love. I've told you that for me there is only one man on earth, and that is you. You are the one. I know that you consider yourself a broken man. Work on healing yourself, and let me love help.
When you are weak, I will carry you. When you are successful, I will applaud you. When you are scared, I will be a light for you. When you are sad, I will kiss your tears away. When you are tired, I will sing you the sweetest lullaby. When you feel alone, I will remind you that you are never alone. I am with you. I am always with you. When and if you ever decide to reward my love, I will be there physically, lying beside you, listening to you breathe. You don't have to ever decide that, and I will still be here, still be loving you, still be offering you everything I have and everything I am. It is already yours and yours alone.
I love you and am eternally yours."
He responded that he is going to give himself to the world. I told him that he is mine. We had a long chat where he explained that he doesn't want to be monogamous or husbands. I think I still expect him to change his mind. I'm not sure if I'm being fair to him by not telling him what I want. I told him it has to be him. I told him I was being hit on and that I keep turning people down. He said he wished I wouldn't. I said it has to be him. It does have to be him.
We are going to MoMA in an hour. He will have an hour to spend with me. I am really looking forward to seeing him. When he is at a museum he just looks at the work, retreats into his own head. He doesn't need any conversation. I just want to hold his hand. I want to put my head on his shoulder. I do need him.
He told me that he belongs to the world, that he wants to give himself to the world. He belongs to me. He already gave himself to me. I keep thinking that I want him to give me a real commitment and be a real partner so we can work this out. He keeps saying that he wants to be free. I am not being fair to either of us. I don't know what to do.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Truth and Lies
I sent the following in an email to him:
"I hope you had a restful night and are waking up refreshed and eager to start a beautiful autumn day. I'm sure that you worked hard enough yesterday that you're mostly caught up and I'm glad that you had someone to help you. You deserve to be supported and aided when you need it.
I hope that today you can really start to understand how valuable love is, and my unconditional, unending, completely devoted love for you especially. There is so much healing power in being truly loved for exactly who you are. You don't have to control it, manipulate it, deserve it, earn it, or seek it. It is always here. It is a beacon in the darkness guiding your spirit to a place of safety and warmth where all you have to do is be true to yourself. It is home. It is peace. It is the greatest achievement of your life having instilled a love like this. It is is true. It is deep. It is meaningful.
Who you are is a wonderful man. Your talents and skills are a big part of that, but beyond that you have so many wonderful qualities. The way you treat your friends and strangers is a testament to your kindness and thoughtfulness. The way you make work shows a playful side and innocence, even after all you've been through. The way you take care of yourself shows a genuine desire for betterment. The way you live shows a great deal of integrity and responsibility. The way you treat animals shows a deep capacity for compassion and love. The way you smile shows that there is an abundance of inner beauty that lights up your soul.
You are loved. You are loved in the most powerful way solely for the person you are, not the person you portray but the person you would sometimes rather not admit to. That person is not perfect. There are a lot of things that need improvement, but you have the strength and the power to make positive changes. You will have support in doing that. You will have love in doing that. You don't have to be perfect. You only have to be yourself.
Please relax and be at peace. When you close your eyes, imagine a soft pink light dancing over your skin leaving tiny angel kisses everywhere. That is the light of my love. It is always with you."
What I really wanted to say is:
"How can you not recognize how wonderful I am even after our roles have been reversed and I still showed you how much stronger, capable, forgiving, and loving I am?"
When he needed me I was completely there for him. I never wasted a second before saying, "no. I am here. You are not alone." He did the opposite. When I needed him, he fled. I needed him more than he needs me. He needs me because he made a choice to go off his meds. I need him because I had AIDS and just want to be held and told I'm not a pariah, I'm not going to just waste away and never be loved again.
I am trying not to pressure him. I am trying not to ask for anything. It is hard. I need so much. I had a dream about him again, every night I do. In last night's we were talking about shoes and viscocity. It became a disagreement because I was trying to explain something about the soles of shoes and he thought he knew better. At one point he started telling me about all of these people he had been having sex with this past weekend. I just wept. In my dream and in real life I wept. I hate waking up in tears. It's so hard to smile for the rest of the day. It's been happening almost every day for me, though.
I want to pressure him. I want to say, "don't you know what you have here?" I want to say, "don't you know that you don't deserve a love as good as this?" A smart person would recognize that and do everything they can to grab onto it and hold on. I am out of hope. I am out of faith. Now, the only thing I can do is continue to support and love this man while he regains mental strength enough to once again take my heart with him when he goes.
"I hope you had a restful night and are waking up refreshed and eager to start a beautiful autumn day. I'm sure that you worked hard enough yesterday that you're mostly caught up and I'm glad that you had someone to help you. You deserve to be supported and aided when you need it.
I hope that today you can really start to understand how valuable love is, and my unconditional, unending, completely devoted love for you especially. There is so much healing power in being truly loved for exactly who you are. You don't have to control it, manipulate it, deserve it, earn it, or seek it. It is always here. It is a beacon in the darkness guiding your spirit to a place of safety and warmth where all you have to do is be true to yourself. It is home. It is peace. It is the greatest achievement of your life having instilled a love like this. It is is true. It is deep. It is meaningful.
Who you are is a wonderful man. Your talents and skills are a big part of that, but beyond that you have so many wonderful qualities. The way you treat your friends and strangers is a testament to your kindness and thoughtfulness. The way you make work shows a playful side and innocence, even after all you've been through. The way you take care of yourself shows a genuine desire for betterment. The way you live shows a great deal of integrity and responsibility. The way you treat animals shows a deep capacity for compassion and love. The way you smile shows that there is an abundance of inner beauty that lights up your soul.
You are loved. You are loved in the most powerful way solely for the person you are, not the person you portray but the person you would sometimes rather not admit to. That person is not perfect. There are a lot of things that need improvement, but you have the strength and the power to make positive changes. You will have support in doing that. You will have love in doing that. You don't have to be perfect. You only have to be yourself.
Please relax and be at peace. When you close your eyes, imagine a soft pink light dancing over your skin leaving tiny angel kisses everywhere. That is the light of my love. It is always with you."
What I really wanted to say is:
"How can you not recognize how wonderful I am even after our roles have been reversed and I still showed you how much stronger, capable, forgiving, and loving I am?"
When he needed me I was completely there for him. I never wasted a second before saying, "no. I am here. You are not alone." He did the opposite. When I needed him, he fled. I needed him more than he needs me. He needs me because he made a choice to go off his meds. I need him because I had AIDS and just want to be held and told I'm not a pariah, I'm not going to just waste away and never be loved again.
I am trying not to pressure him. I am trying not to ask for anything. It is hard. I need so much. I had a dream about him again, every night I do. In last night's we were talking about shoes and viscocity. It became a disagreement because I was trying to explain something about the soles of shoes and he thought he knew better. At one point he started telling me about all of these people he had been having sex with this past weekend. I just wept. In my dream and in real life I wept. I hate waking up in tears. It's so hard to smile for the rest of the day. It's been happening almost every day for me, though.
I want to pressure him. I want to say, "don't you know what you have here?" I want to say, "don't you know that you don't deserve a love as good as this?" A smart person would recognize that and do everything they can to grab onto it and hold on. I am out of hope. I am out of faith. Now, the only thing I can do is continue to support and love this man while he regains mental strength enough to once again take my heart with him when he goes.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Limbo Again
I know he was busy yesterday with a friend's wedding, but once again I'm in limbo as he just stopped responding to me. I sent him a text message from my new phone number telling him he should call or text whenever he couldn't sleep, needed an affirmation, or just missed me. No response. I was hoping that being at the wedding of two people who really love each other would remind him of the love he has for me and how important that is.
He says he's seeking depth and meaning in his life. I am offering those things. It is deep and meaningful to love someone at their weakest, and in their darkest hour. To hold on when all your instincts say flee. That is strength, too. That is what I'm proving to him. I have the strength. I have the ability to love him.
I wish he would let me. He came part of the way to meet me. I'm waiting in the middle. Someone, a mutual friend, who is very wise said that it takes two people to build the bridge and meet halfway. I'm not saying that I'm perfect and I don't have a lot of work to do, but he has more work to do to get to me. I just want to hold him.
He emailed me this morning, as I was writing this. He keeps saying things like, "thank you for being a good friend," and "your friendship is what is really important." He is using this situation to continue to push his agenda. I guess I am doing the same thing. There is real love beneath it all and that's what I'm trying to get him to focus on. I wish I could have everything I wanted, but the main thing that matters to me is that I don't have to attend his funeral prematurely.
I just want him to live. I miss him so much already but knowing that he's not even in the world anymore would be a far worse punishment. I guess part of that is because I can still have hope while he's alive, but I know that there's very little hope. He has made up his mind and he refuses to see any alternative. I see all of the alternatives. I see all of the paths laid out before us. There is only one I will not accept, and that is one where he hasn't made it through this.
He says he's seeking depth and meaning in his life. I am offering those things. It is deep and meaningful to love someone at their weakest, and in their darkest hour. To hold on when all your instincts say flee. That is strength, too. That is what I'm proving to him. I have the strength. I have the ability to love him.
I wish he would let me. He came part of the way to meet me. I'm waiting in the middle. Someone, a mutual friend, who is very wise said that it takes two people to build the bridge and meet halfway. I'm not saying that I'm perfect and I don't have a lot of work to do, but he has more work to do to get to me. I just want to hold him.
He emailed me this morning, as I was writing this. He keeps saying things like, "thank you for being a good friend," and "your friendship is what is really important." He is using this situation to continue to push his agenda. I guess I am doing the same thing. There is real love beneath it all and that's what I'm trying to get him to focus on. I wish I could have everything I wanted, but the main thing that matters to me is that I don't have to attend his funeral prematurely.
I just want him to live. I miss him so much already but knowing that he's not even in the world anymore would be a far worse punishment. I guess part of that is because I can still have hope while he's alive, but I know that there's very little hope. He has made up his mind and he refuses to see any alternative. I see all of the alternatives. I see all of the paths laid out before us. There is only one I will not accept, and that is one where he hasn't made it through this.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Erased
I saw him last night. We had been talking and I think I finally go through to him, at least a little bit. He is still trying to hold on to walls and coldness, I could see it in his eyes, but they were being lost by actual love. He was supposed to come to my cafe, and as I was eating my staff meal he drove up, looked in, didn't see me, and drove off. He didn't even get off his bike.
Luckily, my coworker saw him and pointed him out so I ran out of the cafe and yelled, "wait!" He stopped. It wasn't like in a movie. It was just two people with complications trying, I don't know what he was trying. I was trying to make him see me. Just that. I could see his face wrestling with everything inside of him. I could see coldness and warmth. I hope the warmth wins out.
I really want him back. He is so sexy and so many good things live inside of him. I wonder what he saw when he looked at me. I wonder if he thought I was sexy. I hope so. I hope he liked my blue hair. I miss him. I asked if I could come over tonight and cook him dinner and he said no, quite vehemently, but then softened and said he had to deal with the wedding of two friends.
I left him an emergency kit for panic attacks that I made. It is made to distract him. I put stickers all over it, and on the envelope I wrote the words, "Love is here to help you." Inside I put a picture of me, some temporary tattoos of puppies and hearts, a hamster sticker, and a letter I wrote in which I'm guiding him through breathing techniques while helping him to shift his focus from the panic. These attacks are only supposed to last for 20 minutes. I wish he would call me if he is feeling an attack coming on.
He can't because I still don't have a phone. I need to go get one. I really need to go get one. I have the $500 deposit I require, but rent is due and I'm not sure when the check I'm expecting will arrive. Plus I owe him money, I owe another person money. I need a phone, though. I'm torn about what my priority should be. I have too many things to do not to have a phone. Also, if I pay for it today then I will only have a few dollars to my name.
I sent him a note this morning. I said to stop trying to control everything, and stop putting so much energy into keeping walls up. I said to just let things flow. I hope he can process that. I told him I wasn't going to pressure him, but that my love wasn't going anywhere, ever. That is true. Even after all of this, I'm still here for him. One word about how he's not ok and I am right back. There is nothing he could ever do that I would not forgive.
I do wonder why he couldn't do that for me. The only thing I can say is that he's got severe mental issues. Somewhere inside of him, I do believe the love is there. Somewhere inside of him I do believe he knows how lucky he is. He must. He's no fool. He's a 41 year old man who's been dealing with issues his whole life. The only difference is that now those issues have met me!
Luckily, my coworker saw him and pointed him out so I ran out of the cafe and yelled, "wait!" He stopped. It wasn't like in a movie. It was just two people with complications trying, I don't know what he was trying. I was trying to make him see me. Just that. I could see his face wrestling with everything inside of him. I could see coldness and warmth. I hope the warmth wins out.
I really want him back. He is so sexy and so many good things live inside of him. I wonder what he saw when he looked at me. I wonder if he thought I was sexy. I hope so. I hope he liked my blue hair. I miss him. I asked if I could come over tonight and cook him dinner and he said no, quite vehemently, but then softened and said he had to deal with the wedding of two friends.
I left him an emergency kit for panic attacks that I made. It is made to distract him. I put stickers all over it, and on the envelope I wrote the words, "Love is here to help you." Inside I put a picture of me, some temporary tattoos of puppies and hearts, a hamster sticker, and a letter I wrote in which I'm guiding him through breathing techniques while helping him to shift his focus from the panic. These attacks are only supposed to last for 20 minutes. I wish he would call me if he is feeling an attack coming on.
He can't because I still don't have a phone. I need to go get one. I really need to go get one. I have the $500 deposit I require, but rent is due and I'm not sure when the check I'm expecting will arrive. Plus I owe him money, I owe another person money. I need a phone, though. I'm torn about what my priority should be. I have too many things to do not to have a phone. Also, if I pay for it today then I will only have a few dollars to my name.
I sent him a note this morning. I said to stop trying to control everything, and stop putting so much energy into keeping walls up. I said to just let things flow. I hope he can process that. I told him I wasn't going to pressure him, but that my love wasn't going anywhere, ever. That is true. Even after all of this, I'm still here for him. One word about how he's not ok and I am right back. There is nothing he could ever do that I would not forgive.
I do wonder why he couldn't do that for me. The only thing I can say is that he's got severe mental issues. Somewhere inside of him, I do believe the love is there. Somewhere inside of him I do believe he knows how lucky he is. He must. He's no fool. He's a 41 year old man who's been dealing with issues his whole life. The only difference is that now those issues have met me!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Waiting
He really scared me yesterday. Not at first, but later on. At first he threw me off of my grudging hatred. After all of the things he said to me, to just apologize made the flames spread again. When there's a spark the fire hasn't died. A little air is all it takes. Then we started having a real conversation. I told him that he had to put real work and real effort into creating meaning in his life, and that it was never going to be easy. It wasn't easy with me, and I did the majority of the work.
Then he started sending me emails about how he's a failure, he's old, he agrees with all of the things I said to him. I felt so terrible. I was trying to be loving in what I wrote and help him to reach higher and do better, but I'm sure there was lingering bitterness that he couldn't be with me. He began saying he hated his life and he wishes it were over. He began alluding to cutting. I became very scared and offered to go meet him but when I asked where he was he just said, "gone."
Eventually I got it out of him that he was waiting for his shrink, but I tried to get back in touch with him an hour later and he wasn't responding. By this point I was so worried that I thought he may have checked himself into the psych ward. I was so worried. All I wanted to do was hold him and tell him how special he is and that everything will be alright.
Everything will not be alright. We don't live in that kind of world. Who knows what's going to happen? I certainly don't. A few hours later he emailed to say he had just gotten home, had gotten some pills, and was going to rest because he hadn't slept in 48 hours. My poor man. I miss him so much and I'm so scared and sad for him.
One thing that this situation reinforced in me is that my pride and ego really don't matter. When I found out he was not doing his best I immediately went into protective loving mode. That's what love is; it's a shifting of priorities when it really matters. It's watching every petty problem disappear when the one you love is in trouble. It's putting everything aside to focus on their needs.
My shrink had said to me, earlier in the day, that it sounded as though I put most of the work into the relationship. I had. I still would. I still want him. I will always want him. The people who love me tell me I'm a fool and are angry that I would go back with him, even at this point, if he would only let me.
I'm not sure that will ever happen. I felt like there was a real breakthrough of honesty last night, but that could be just sleep deprivation and being off his meds. It's so hard when someone has these mind-altering substances as a part of their life, to keep them normal. I hope he realizes by now that when the going gets tough I am there for him. I will never stop being there for him, no matter what.
Then he started sending me emails about how he's a failure, he's old, he agrees with all of the things I said to him. I felt so terrible. I was trying to be loving in what I wrote and help him to reach higher and do better, but I'm sure there was lingering bitterness that he couldn't be with me. He began saying he hated his life and he wishes it were over. He began alluding to cutting. I became very scared and offered to go meet him but when I asked where he was he just said, "gone."
Eventually I got it out of him that he was waiting for his shrink, but I tried to get back in touch with him an hour later and he wasn't responding. By this point I was so worried that I thought he may have checked himself into the psych ward. I was so worried. All I wanted to do was hold him and tell him how special he is and that everything will be alright.
Everything will not be alright. We don't live in that kind of world. Who knows what's going to happen? I certainly don't. A few hours later he emailed to say he had just gotten home, had gotten some pills, and was going to rest because he hadn't slept in 48 hours. My poor man. I miss him so much and I'm so scared and sad for him.
One thing that this situation reinforced in me is that my pride and ego really don't matter. When I found out he was not doing his best I immediately went into protective loving mode. That's what love is; it's a shifting of priorities when it really matters. It's watching every petty problem disappear when the one you love is in trouble. It's putting everything aside to focus on their needs.
My shrink had said to me, earlier in the day, that it sounded as though I put most of the work into the relationship. I had. I still would. I still want him. I will always want him. The people who love me tell me I'm a fool and are angry that I would go back with him, even at this point, if he would only let me.
I'm not sure that will ever happen. I felt like there was a real breakthrough of honesty last night, but that could be just sleep deprivation and being off his meds. It's so hard when someone has these mind-altering substances as a part of their life, to keep them normal. I hope he realizes by now that when the going gets tough I am there for him. I will never stop being there for him, no matter what.
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