Erased

I saw him last night.  We had been talking and I think I finally go through to him, at least a little bit.  He is still trying to hold on to walls and coldness, I could see it in his eyes, but they were being lost by actual love.  He was supposed to come to my cafe, and as I was eating my staff meal he drove up, looked in, didn't see me, and drove off.  He didn't even get off his bike.

Luckily, my coworker saw him and pointed him out so I ran out of the cafe and yelled, "wait!"  He stopped.  It wasn't like in a movie.  It was just two people with complications trying, I don't know what he was trying.  I was trying to make him see me.  Just that.  I could see his face wrestling with everything inside of him.  I could see coldness and warmth.  I hope the warmth wins out.

I really want him back.  He is so sexy and so many good things live inside of him.  I wonder what he saw when he looked at me.  I wonder if he thought I was sexy.  I hope so.  I hope he liked my blue hair.  I miss him.  I asked if I could come over tonight and cook him dinner and he said no, quite vehemently, but then softened and said he had to deal with the wedding of two friends.

I left him an emergency kit for panic attacks that I made.  It is made to distract him.  I put stickers all over it, and on the envelope I wrote the words, "Love is here to help you."  Inside I put a picture of me, some temporary tattoos of puppies and hearts, a hamster sticker, and a letter I wrote in which I'm guiding him through breathing techniques while helping him to shift his focus from the panic.  These attacks are only supposed to last for 20 minutes.  I wish he would call me if he is feeling an attack coming on.

He can't because I still don't have a phone.  I need to go get one.  I really need to go get one.  I have the $500 deposit I require, but rent is due and I'm not sure when the check I'm expecting will arrive.  Plus I owe him money, I owe another person money.  I need a phone, though.  I'm torn about what my priority should be.  I have too many things to do not to have a phone.  Also, if I pay for it today then I will only have a few dollars to my name.

I sent him a note this morning.  I said to stop trying to control everything, and stop putting so much energy into keeping walls up.  I said to just let things flow.  I hope he can process that.  I told him I wasn't going to pressure him, but that my love wasn't going anywhere, ever.  That is true.  Even after all of this, I'm still here for him.  One word about how he's not ok and I am right back.  There is nothing he could ever do that I would not forgive.

I do wonder why he couldn't do that for me.  The only thing I can say is that he's got severe mental issues.  Somewhere inside of him, I do believe the love is there.  Somewhere inside of him I do believe he knows how lucky he is.  He must.  He's no fool.  He's a 41 year old man who's been dealing with issues his whole life.  The only difference is that now those issues have met me!