Limbo Again

I know he was busy yesterday with a friend's wedding, but once again I'm in limbo as he just stopped responding to me.  I sent him a text message from my new phone number telling him he should call or text whenever he couldn't sleep, needed an affirmation, or just missed me.  No response.  I was hoping that being at the wedding of two people who really love each other would remind him of the love he has for me and how important that is.

He says he's seeking depth and meaning in his life.  I am offering those things.  It is deep and meaningful to love someone at their weakest, and in their darkest hour.  To hold on when all your instincts say flee.  That is strength, too.  That is what I'm proving to him.  I have the strength.  I have the ability to love him.

I wish he would let me.  He came part of the way to meet me.  I'm waiting in the middle.  Someone, a mutual friend, who is very wise said that it takes two people to build the bridge and meet halfway.  I'm not saying that I'm perfect and I don't have a lot of work to do, but he has more work to do to get to me.    I just want to hold him.

He emailed me this morning, as I was writing this.  He keeps saying things like, "thank you for being a good friend," and "your friendship is what is really important."  He is using this situation to continue to push his agenda.  I guess I am doing the same thing.  There is real love beneath it all and that's what I'm trying to get him to focus on.  I wish I could have everything I wanted, but the main thing that matters to me is that I don't have to attend his funeral prematurely.

I just want him to live.  I miss him so much already but knowing that he's not even in the world anymore would be a far worse punishment.  I guess part of that is because I can still have hope while he's alive, but I know that there's very little hope.  He has made up his mind and he refuses to see any alternative.  I see all of the alternatives.  I see all of the paths laid out before us.  There is only one I will not accept, and that is one where he hasn't made it through this.