One of his best friends is getting married today. I wouldn't have been allowed to attend even if we were still together, because of a series of events in which my feelings weren't taken into any consideration. I was jealous of the physical intimacy shared by them, and I asked that it not occur around me so that I didn't have to see it. Instead of dealing with it, I was told that it was my issue and that I was being unreasonable. That led to further problems and eventually caused a breakdown in communication between his friend and I. I've since apologized and I feel like we can do better in the future, should there come a time.
I want him to really think about what marriage means today. I not only want him to think about what it means to himself and to his friends, but what it means to me. I sent him the email, below, to try to provoke some thought. I don't know if it's too much. At this point, I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I'll be able to see him tomorrow night, but I'll be working. He's got to come in to take a power cable for a projector I bought him. I probably ended up spending close to $1000.00 on him every month. He's since said I'm not allowed to spend money on him. He really doesn't understand how little money means to me, and how much seeing him smile does.
"I hope you had a lovely day yesterday, surrounded by the warmth and love of true friends, and were able to sleep peacefully at the end of it. I hope that you feel supported and loved by the many people around you, and that you are getting the attention you deserve and need. I hope that that continues today while you partake in a celebration of true and lasting love, joy and festivity. They really couldn't have found a more appropriate choice for best man.
You are my best man. You are my only man. While you're at this wedding, I am sure you will be very busy and barely have time to focus on the deep and meaningful bond shared by Krys and Michael. I'm sure it's not always easy for them. I'm sure they each have their doubts, insecurities, and issues. I'm sure at times it takes a lot of hard work and determination. Eventually, all love becomes a choice. It is a choice between a loving partnership or selfishness. It is not a honeymoon forever and sooner or later a person has to decide that there is something very special about this one person who has captured their heart and attention.
You've captured my heart and attention, and you are the most special person in the world to me. You've earned my devotion, you've been worthy of my love. You've been kind, generous, sweet, endearing, and loving in the most powerfully effective way. Things were very easy for a while. Then they became work. Then you made a choice not to.
It's not too late. I've worked so hard to try to show you what spending my life with you means to me. I've worked so hard to show you how powerful my love is. I've worked so hard to try to alleviate your doubts and insecurities. I have them, too. I've worked so hard to forgive the feelings of betrayal and abandonment that ripped my heart to pieces. I've worked so hard to show you and tell you that I am here for you, still, even though you couldn't be there for me when it most mattered. I never even paused or hesitated, and I never will, when I thought you were in trouble. If you need me, I am here, ready to offer you all the love I have. Ready to offer you everything I have. Ready to offer you everything I am.
I'm here for you, no matter what. I'm yours, no matter what. I love you, no matter what. Until the day my heart stops beating, it beats for you. You are a beautiful man, inside and out. Some things you're sure of, like your talent. Some things you doubt. Some things you do exceptionally well. Some things require more work. You are not perfect. You don't have to be perfect. You are loved because of your talents and despite your doubts. You are loved because of what you do well and despite your failings. You are loved because you are human. You are only one man, but you are the best man for me.
I will never give up on you."
I don't know whether I should stop sending these. People keep telling me I should and let him come to me. I don't know whether these emails are helping or hurting. I don't know if I even have a chance. I probably don't. I don't unless he allows it. I've gone as far as I can on my own. It's completely up to him now. I hope today he can think about some of these things.
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