tired

I'm tired.  I slept ok last night, I think.  I woke up only once to go to the bathroom, which is a change.  I'm tired of pretending I'm over my love.  I'm tired of pretending I still think this life of mine is worth fighting for.  I'm tired to going to a job I hate.  I'm tired of my dog. 

I'm completely exhausted with this job I have to go to this morning, where I do really basic computer things for a 72 year old man who just doesn't get it.  This morning I have to go all the way to the Bronx just to help him retrieve an attachment from a sent email.  I hope it's simple, because he's using AOL and I'm not too familiar with that system.  At least I'll get paid, which will help me afford to move.  I currently can't afford to move.  I currently can't afford much.

A friend posted a photo of my love on Facebook yesterday.  Every time I see him I just melt.  He's the sweetest looking man.  I know he's been no good to me for months and months, but when I see him I just want to fall into his arms.  I have this fantasy that he will text me and say, "How are you?"  I would respond, "if you genuinely cared you wouldn't have to ask right now because you would have been there when it really mattered."  He's never going to come to his senses.  He's never going to realize how special I am.  He's never coming back to me.

It's sad, and hard, to come to terms with that.  I just miss him so much.  I really don't have a lot of friends that I can count on.  He was my best friend, in addition to being my sexy lover, and my cuddle bunny.  I guess I wasn't anything special to him.  He's sure proven that.  Why I am holding on to someone who could so easily throw me away like a piece of garbage I just can't figure out. 

Partly, I think being with him was comfortable.  He was comfortable to be around.  I could use some of that.  I need some comfort.  My back hurts, and my head hurts, and my heart hearts, and there is nothing I can do about any of this.  There is nothing I can do.