Home

I wish I had a home.  I have a room, now, for one month.  Finding an apartment is so difficult.  I just stare at the computer screen and when I leave the room I watch like a hawk for rentals.  It has been so difficult to focus on actually creating anything.  I feel like things are falling by the wayside.  I am not sure what I'm really doing.  I can't be bothered to do laundry or pack or anything.

Last night I pigged out and watched a movie with my friend.  She had no attention span, so it was pretty much just me watching a movie.  We ate pizza with extra cheese, then I went to bed overly full and overly alone.  Just myself and my dog.

My therapist is really funny because he keeps laughing at a lot of the things I say.  I'm not really trying to be funny, but I guess I have no choice.  I am in a really strange space right now.  I feel in limbo in a lot of ways.  I don't want to leave town, because then I will not only be giving up on my dreams, but I will be letting my ex ruin an entire city for me.  I'm just not going to let that happen. 

I have applied to this Hispanic Aids Foundation grant, so that I can get rent subsidies.  I hope I get it.  It would sure be great to be able to afford to live on my own, or in a nice place, and not worry about where rent is coming from.  I like where I am now, but the landlords are terrible and since they want me out I'd rather not prolong the inevitable.  I wish I had savings.  I'd like to work on saving. 

I feel like I'm just rambling today.  I didn't really want to write anything, but I want to keep the habit up so that I can work towards developing something out of my writing.  I would really like to be able to do that.  I tried to start a novel but it is entirely too depressing.  Most of what I write is very depressing.  I'm just depressed.

I wonder when this will end.  I wonder when I'll wake up and not hope for my lover to come back to me.  I know he won't.  He's a stubborn asshole.  I wish I could hate him.  I know it's my fault.  I know it's his fault.  I am a freak.  I have been painting my nails and I dyed my hair blue because I know I am a total freak and I want to look like one. 

I need money.  I need love.  I need a home.  I need a maid.  I need.