Irresolution

I emailed him again this morning.  In my early stages of waking I called to him, as I do every morning.  I slowly tossed and turned as the sun began to rise, the cold wind blowing through my open window, the sounds of birds and business.  His name repeats, constantly, within the slowly turning wheel of my mind.  I reach for him, still.  I long for him, still. 

This morning I was thinking about something he'd said to me regarding opportunities he's been given and things not working out.  He said that the things he most hopes for often don't pan out, and if they do they don't work out in a way that really makes much difference to his career.  I feel sad that he can't see all of the good things right in front of him.  If he could, he would be with me. 

He's working on a magazine project involving supermodels from the 90s.  Even though I told him only two days ago that I wasn't going to email him anymore I still decided to send him an affirmation this morning, as well as images that he could use as references.  His work is so beautiful, and I think that he is doing great things.  I want to remind him of my support, but I didn't mention anything about myself with this email. 

I told him recently that things aren't always black and white, but I think I've been thinking of things in black and white.  I've been thinking of how badly I want him back and how I need things now.  He keeps saying that where he's at right now doesn't allow it.  That doesn't mean there's no hope, but if he's unwilling to meet me half way then there's no hope.  He consistently proves he isn't. 

My respected older friends continue to say very wise things, my family continues to say very wise things.  My life continues to spiral out of my control.  My dreams continue to defy the reasonable.  I want him back.  I just want him back.  That's where all of my energy is going.  It's not reasonable, it's love. 

I hope he appreciates the email I sent him today.  I also sent him $200.  His horoscope keeps saying that money is causing him tons of stress lately.  I read his horoscope every day.  For the past 2 weeks or so it's been saying that he's got to turn his financial picture around.  I can't really afford to pay him the other $200 I still owe him.  I probably couldn't afford to pay him this amount, but I had it in the bank and I want him to have it.  I don't want to add to his stress. 

What with potentially having to move in addition to everything else I'm not really sure what is going to happen.  I don't know.  I am in so much of a state of flux that moving in any direction seems like the wrong choice.  Doing anything seems like the wrong thing to do.  Saying anything seems like the wrong thing to say.  Everything would be so much easier if I could just lean on him a little.  He's so afraid.  It must be that.