Getting what you want to want

I sent him this this morning:

"I hope that you had a wonderfully peaceful relaxing sleep and that if you dreamed they were pleasant and calming dreams.  Today will be another busy and hard day for you, I'm sure.  There are so many rewards to the energy and time you are putting into your work.  Please remember that there are plenty of other types of rewards, too.  It is important to have a balanced and healthy life.  Make sure you eat well, take appropriate breaks, and take time to give and receive love.  These things will help keep you strong enough to keep reaching for the stars. 

I love you so much.  I loved you before we met.  I will love you until the day I die, possibly before.  I knew I loved you the first night you held me in your arms while we lay in your bed and I felt your soft and loving kiss on my back.  My heart completely melted for you that night.  You are everything I ever wanted in a man.   I love your focus and dedication, I love your determination.  I love you.  I simply love you.  This love is not here to judge you, it is not here to be demanding, it is not here to take from you.  This love is here to accept you as you are, it is here to offer you everything I am, it is here to give. 

The reason I keep asking to see you and be with you is because I want to give to you.  You already own my heart and soul.  I hope you know that.  My body is yours, too.  When I think of someone else touching me I feel physically ill.  What I really want to give to you is just a few precious moments of a lover's touch.  I want to press my beating heart up against yours.  I want to press my soft cheek up against yours.  I want to show you en entire human being that KNOWS you are the most perfect man for him.  Again, not perfect, but perfect for me. 

I dream of you every night.  Sometimes I wake up crying from those dreams.  I reach for you, first thing in the morning.  I long for you last thing at night.  I love you.  My love is never going to go anywhere.  It is always going to be here for you.  You don't have to do anything for it.  You don't have to focus on it, you don't have to drop everything for it.  I will always be the love you need.  I will always encourage you, support you, and pull you up when you are down.  Because I believe in you, I will try to add the balance and enrichment to your life that you sometimes forget you need. 

I feel like you were finally honest with me about a few very important things.  I hope you feel empowered by that.  You never have to be anything but honest with me, and I will still love you, still support you.  I am building a bridge back to your heart.  I hope you will meet me halfway.  Don't label or limit my love.  I've told you that for me there is only one man on earth, and that is you.  You are the one.  I know that you consider yourself a broken man.  Work on healing yourself, and let me love help. 

When you are weak, I will carry you.  When you are successful, I will applaud you.  When you are scared, I will be a light for you.  When you are sad, I will kiss your tears away.  When you are tired, I will sing you the sweetest lullaby.  When you feel alone, I will remind you that you are never alone.  I am with you.  I am always with you.  When and if you ever decide to reward my love, I will be there physically, lying beside you, listening to you breathe.  You don't have to ever decide that, and I will still be here, still be loving you, still be offering you everything I have and everything I am.  It is already yours and yours alone. 

I love you and am eternally yours."

He responded that he is going to give himself to the world.  I told him that he is mine.  We had a long chat where he explained that he doesn't want to be monogamous or husbands.  I think I still expect him to change his mind.  I'm not sure if I'm being fair to him by not telling him what I want.  I told him it has to be him.  I told him I was being hit on and that I keep turning people down.  He said he wished I wouldn't.  I said it has to be him.  It does have to be him.

We are going to MoMA in an hour.  He will have an hour to spend with me.  I am really looking forward to seeing him.  When he is at a museum he just looks at the work, retreats into his own head.  He doesn't need any conversation.  I just want to hold his hand.  I want to put my head on his shoulder.   I do need him. 

He told me that he belongs to the world, that he wants to give himself to the world.  He belongs to me.   He already gave himself to me.  I keep thinking that I want him to give me a real commitment and be a real partner so we can work this out.  He keeps saying that he wants to be free.  I am not being fair to either of us.  I don't know what to do.