Going, Going, Gone

I just found out that my home life is in turmoil again.  My landlords want me out.  I was always the one who tried to assert my rights, when there was no heat, when there was no respect, when there was no understanding.  My roommates couldn't do it.  It got to the point where I wasn't even allowed to talk to them.  Now they've simply told one of the people I live with that they don't want me there anymore, because of my dog, or so they said.  I don't want to move.  I don't want another worry, another stress.

Yesterday I saw my love for the last time.  It was beautiful and sad.  He gave me two crystals, one a geode, the other I'm not sure what.  I gave him a bunch of stuff I wanted him to have, including a painting.  I gave him all the love I could.  Then he left and I gave him until the end of the night to change his mind.  I told him that by midnight I would stop.  I did.  I wept. 

I want things to work out.  I want to have JJ in a safe place that is home.  I want to have a home.  I want to have a sanctuary.  I want to have some peace.  I have so little.  I want my lover to hold me and kiss me when he comes home from work.  I want him to be with me.  He won't.  He just won't.  I'm so stressed out by all of this and AIDS and home. 

I am pouring my heart out on a blog that nobody reads.  I am pouring my heart out on Facebook, alienating all my friends.  I was pouring my heart out to my lover's deaf ears.  I don't know how I can keep having any heart to pour out.  I feel so empty.  I feel so drained. 

I just want to be held and protected, to be made to feel safe.  I just want things to be what they were two months ago.  Only two months ago I had it all.  I had the lover of my dreams, I had a home I felt safe in, I had a future, I had my health.  Now I have nothing at all.  Just burdens and responsibilities I can't possibly meet. 

Where is my love?  Where is my protector?  Where is the man who is supposed to stand by me?  I can't even call on him anymore.  I can't expect anything from him.  My whole world is falling apart and I can't even ask to be held or understood.  Kill me.  Kill me, please.