Relationship

He says that he doesn't want a relationship.  He won't try.  Why do I keep trying?  I'm a fool.  He wasn't there for me when I needed him most.  Is he beating himself up over it?  Is he hurting?  Is he trying to avoid hurting me?  He says he is.  I'm hurting.  I want my man.  I want my love.  I want my husband.  He won't be any of those things. 

Yesterday I went to the Met with some friends, good friends.  We began discussing my love and they said, "fuck him."  Basically, their attitude is that he proved himself unworthy and that I need to cut my losses and fight my battle with AIDS.  One of them had leukemia and beat it, and he knows what it's like to fight for your health.  The irony is that earlier in the day my love had been telling me I was a part of his army of love and I responded that I wanted to be its commander-in-chief.  He won't even be a soldier.  He won't let me cuddle him or spend the night.  He won't let me do anything but hurt.

I thought that possibly being at his friend's wedding would open his eyes to how special love can be.  Turns out it didn't.  He keeps saying, "I can't be in a relationship."  I keep saying, "you already are."  That's selfish.  I'm being so selfish.  I just sent him an email telling him I want to stop being selfish.  I told him to come pick up his power cable for his projector and we would say farewell.  I have to stop bothering him.  I have to stop emailing him. 

I have to stop loving him.  I won't, though.  I never will.  I will always come running if he needs me.  I will always drop everything if he needs me.  I will always give him everything I have and everything I am.  I know it with a certainty and clarity that allows me to see years into the future.  I am so completely his.