Death to Friendship

I have signaled the death knell of our attempt to be friends.  I needed him.  I called out to him.  I asked for help.  He doesn't seem to care or realize that I have proven time and again that I am not asking for anything I'm not willing to give.  I have dropped everything to be with him, I have dropped everything to worry him.  I wept and wept when I called out for help and his voice was so cold.  He is so mean.  He can be such an asshole.

I basically spent the rest of the day sending him text messages and emails reminding him what a terrible person he's being.  I told him things about how he's a failure and will always be a failure because he doesn't recognize true value.  I told him he needs a smack down.  I told him that I was always there for him 110%.  I told him that I am a better person and I am a better artist.  I told him he's hiding, and a coward. 

Early on in the day he told me that he couldn't contact me any more for his mental health.  I told him his mental health was atrocious but that his spiritual health was much worse.  I just kept going.  Right up until the end of the night, I just kept going.  Then I told him I wasn't going to keep doing the to myself.  Then I kept going. 

I'm so angry at him for being such a total waste of humanity.  What a failure he is that I still can't count on him for anything even after I've been there for him so many times.  When I thought he was suicidal I dropped everything to comfort and care for him.  He kept saying, "thank you for your light."  He doesn't want light, though.   He wants to hide in fear and selfishness.  He is so selfish. 

I'm selfish too, but I'm fighting the good fight.  He keeps saying that he wants to give himself to the world, use his gifts for the benefit of the world.  He's not, though, and I think he knows it.  He wants to seem altruistic, but in reality he is just a scared selfish little boy trying to get famous before he dies.  If he actually wanted to be a giver, he would recognize that I have every right to expect him to be there for me. 

He won't, though, and I am wasting my time hoping for it.  He may never have the eureka moment where he realizes what a complete idiot he is.  It's not my job to teach him, or help him, anymore.  He's made that decision.  It is my job to take care of myself so I don't die of AIDS, take care of my dog, and try to find a new place to live.  Every one of those things would be so easy if only I could lean on his strength, but I can't.  Somehow, impossible as it seems, I have to find my own.

I have a doctor's appointment to go to.  Today I start taking AIDS medicine.  Not sure what but I'm convinced I'm going to become another one with AIDS-face.  Who can love a face like that?  Not a healthy scared child of a man, I guess.  I never could, either.