Late

I just got home from work.  It was a long day but work moved quickly for the first couple of hours.  While I'm there I just keep thinking about how I'm going to change this crappy job and poverty-stricken life into one that allows me to take care of myself, live more comfortably, and even move.  I started looking for places today, in earnest, and there's just nothing out there.  Everything in my price range turned out to be a Philippines scam to steal my identity.  Go right ahead, Manilla.

I started taking my meds today.  I've chosen to do that at 10am.  This is a good time because if I'm up later I can still wake up in time to make something to eat, and if I'm up early I can get a lot done.  I have to take them at the same time every day, and if I miss even one dose it could cause serious problems for the effectiveness of an entire line of medication, narrowing the options for me, and possibly closing a door.  I've never had to deal with that sort of pressure for tiny pills.  Technically, they're not so tiny.  There are 5 a day, now, including the one I was taking before.  I read all the info on them while I made a nice comfort breakfast.  The worrying thing is that the side-effects all seem like the very symptoms that have already been debilitating me every week.  I started taking these so I could stop having those fevers, pains, rashes, etc.  I went to the doctor in the first place to solve those symptoms.  Now it seems that I may have to deal with them forever.  I'm not sure if they're spontaneously generated, or, like the main effects of the drugs, cumulative.

Last night I had a really pleasant dream.  I was dreaming that someone loved me.  It wasn't my ex.  It was a man in a nice grey sweater that felt soft against my skin when I put my head on his shoulder.  It felt safe.  He seemed really together.  My ex always seemed really together to me, also, but how could he be if this is how he treats his enfianced?  I want the kind of love I deserve.  I want to be held and made to feel bigger when I feel small.  I feel so small all the time, these days.  I feel small and ugly.

I'm trying to work hard, move forward, put a brave face on.  I just don't have any answers, only questions.  In my life, I sometimes know exactly what's supposed to happen next.  This isn't one of those times.  I still don't know what just happened.  I really can't wrap my head around the way life has upended on me.  Everything is sideways.  It's no wonder I feel dizzy all the time. 

My lips feel like sandpaper, my tongue feels too big for my mouth, my throat hurts.  I can't drink enough water, but it's forced and doesn't satisfy.  It's been since I last spoke to my ex that I actively sought out what he was doing online.  It still flashes by on Facebook, and I look, but I don't click, or like, or pursue it in any way.  I just can't.  After the last time I cried out for help and he failed again, I know I have to give up on him.  I need something he will never be.  It's still so sad, but it doesn't bring tears to my eyes.  That may change tomorrow.