Loss

I had a very productive day yesterday despite having an awful headache.  I had a lunch meeting with a fellow artist who asked for help with Facebook.  Then I had a meeting for a show I'm curating.  Some very exciting things came out of that, as well as some great advice.  The wise, 72 year-old, and respected person I was meeting with starting talking to me about him and saying that I would be far more attractive if I made myself less available.  She said to just back off.  By the time I left she had convinced me that I was being a door mat, despite the integrity it takes to go after what I want.

I made my way home after that, hunger and headache in hand.  I couldn't decide what to eat, so I took some pain relievers and went to bed.  This was at 6:30.  Around 10 I woke up with incredibly persistent stomach cramps and no headache.  The pain was so terrible I was doubled over in bed.  My roommates were having some kind of party and there were all these people here, but I still managed to make it to the bathroom in time to throw up.  There wasn't really anything in my stomach, though, just this foul acid and chemical solution.

I went back to bed and just woke up.  I have a headache, but am afraid to take pain relievers, now.  I woke up to find I had missed an email from my love.  Another friend of his, his bestie from SF, has passed away.  How could I not respond to that email?  Now is not the time to play hard to get.  I responded with condolences and told him I was here for him.  I am here for him.  This is really hard.  This is the longest I have gone without sex, it is the longest I have gone without him, it is the longest I have gone in limbo.  I am in limbo.

I have to go to therapy.  My therapist must think I'm insane, not because of what I say, but because all I focus on is my love.  I have all of this other stuff to deal with and I only want to talk about him.  That's because I only want to be with him.  I wish I could be with him.  I wish he truly understood the value of what I have to offer him.  I can't play hard to get with him.  I have to be here for him, no matter what.  This is the hardest part.  Sometimes it's easier.  Sometimes it's harder.  This prolonged longing is almost too much for me.  I want my baby.  I want my man.