Waiting

He really scared me yesterday.  Not at first, but later on.  At first he threw me off of my grudging hatred.  After all of the things he said to me, to just apologize made the flames spread again.  When there's a spark the fire hasn't died.  A little air is all it takes.  Then we started having a real conversation.  I told him that he had to put real work and real effort into creating meaning in his life, and that it was never going to be easy.  It wasn't easy with me, and I did the majority of the work.

Then he started sending me emails about how he's a failure, he's old, he agrees with all of the things I said to him.  I felt so terrible.  I was trying to be loving in what I wrote and help him to reach higher and do better, but I'm sure there was lingering bitterness that he couldn't be with me.  He began saying he hated his life and he wishes it were over.  He began alluding to cutting.  I became very scared and offered to go meet him but when I asked where he was he just said, "gone."

Eventually I got it out of him that he was waiting for his shrink, but I tried to get back in touch with him an hour later and he wasn't responding.  By this point I was so worried that I thought he may have checked himself into the psych ward.  I was so worried.  All I wanted to do was hold him and tell him how special he is and that everything will be alright.

Everything will not be alright.  We don't live in that kind of world.  Who knows what's going to happen?  I certainly don't.  A few hours later he emailed to say he had just gotten home, had gotten some pills, and was going to rest because he hadn't slept in 48 hours.  My poor man.  I miss him so much and I'm so scared and sad for him.

One thing that this situation reinforced in me is that my pride and ego really don't matter.  When I found out he was not doing his best I immediately went into protective loving mode.  That's what love is; it's a shifting of priorities when it really matters.  It's watching every petty problem disappear when the one you love is in trouble.  It's putting everything aside to focus on their needs.

My shrink had said to me, earlier in the day, that it sounded as though I put most of the work into the relationship.  I had.  I still would.  I still want him.  I will always want him.  The people who love me tell me I'm a fool and are angry that I would go back with him, even at this point, if he would only let me.

I'm not sure that will ever happen.  I felt like there was a real breakthrough of honesty last night, but that could be just sleep deprivation and being off his meds.  It's so hard when someone has these mind-altering substances as a part of their life, to keep them normal.  I hope he realizes by now that when the going gets tough I am there for him.  I will never stop being there for him, no matter what.