Truth and Lies

I sent the following in an email to him:

"I hope you had a restful night and are waking up refreshed and eager to start a beautiful autumn day.  I'm sure that you worked hard enough yesterday that you're mostly caught up and I'm glad that you had someone to help you.  You deserve to be supported and aided when you need it. 

I hope that today you can really start to understand how valuable love is, and my unconditional, unending, completely devoted love for you especially.  There is so much healing power in being truly loved for exactly who you are.  You don't have to control it, manipulate it, deserve it, earn it, or seek it.  It is always here.  It is a beacon in the darkness guiding your spirit to a place of safety and warmth where all you have to do is be true to yourself.  It is home.  It is peace.  It is the greatest achievement of your life having instilled a love like this.  It is is true.  It is deep.  It is meaningful.

Who you are is a wonderful man.  Your talents and skills are a big part of that, but beyond that you have so many wonderful qualities.  The way you treat your friends and strangers is a testament to your kindness and thoughtfulness.  The way you make work shows a playful side and innocence, even after all you've been through.  The way you take care of yourself shows a genuine desire for betterment.  The way you live shows a great deal of integrity and responsibility.  The way you treat animals shows a deep capacity for compassion and love.  The way you smile shows that there is an abundance of inner beauty that lights up your soul. 

You are loved.  You are loved in the most powerful way solely for the person you are, not the person you portray but the person you would sometimes rather not admit to.  That person is not perfect.  There are a lot of things that need improvement, but you have the strength and the power to make positive changes.  You will have support in doing that.  You will have love in doing that.  You don't have to be perfect.  You only have to be yourself. 

Please relax and be at peace.  When you close your eyes, imagine a soft pink light dancing over your skin leaving tiny angel kisses everywhere.  That is the light of my love.  It is always with you."

What I really wanted to say is:

"How can you not recognize how wonderful I am even after our roles have been reversed and I still showed you how much stronger, capable, forgiving, and loving I am?"

When he needed me I was completely there for him.  I never wasted a second before saying, "no.  I am here.  You are not alone."  He did the opposite.  When I needed him, he fled.  I needed him more than he needs me.  He needs me because he made a choice to go off his meds.  I need him because I had AIDS and just want to be held and told I'm not a pariah, I'm not going to just waste away and never be loved again.

I am trying not to pressure him.  I am trying not to ask for anything.  It is hard.  I need so much.  I had a dream about him again, every night I do.  In last night's we were talking about shoes and viscocity.  It became a disagreement because I was trying to explain something about the soles of shoes and he thought he knew better.  At one point he started telling me about all of these people he had been having sex with this past weekend.  I just wept.  In my dream and in real life I wept.  I hate waking up in tears.  It's so hard to smile for the rest of the day.  It's been happening almost every day for me, though.

I want to pressure him.  I want to say, "don't you know what you have here?"  I want to say, "don't you know that you don't deserve a love as good as this?"  A smart person would recognize that and do everything they can to grab onto it and hold on.  I am out of hope.  I am out of faith.  Now, the only thing I can do is continue to support and love this man while he regains mental strength enough to once again take my heart with him when he goes.