Like a tide i flow back and forth. I had almost convinced myself that I hated him. I am so angry and it was fueling a rage against him. I don't hate him. I love him. I want to keep loving him. I miss everything about him.
Last night we had a very heated and intense email exchange. I told him that a demon had replaced the man I loved and that the real man was dead. I told him to seek out meaning and goodness and truth. His responses were hisses and calling me a snake, telling me I destroyed him. I told him he destroyed himself. I used my anger and outrage to fuel my strength. I am strong. I am a survivor.
I'm listening to Destiny's Child now. I'm not going to give up. I'm going to work harder. I wish he would come back to me. I truly wish that. Even after everything he's done. It would take more work than he's every put into anything. It would be the greatest triumph of his life. It would be the greatest triumph of my life.
After last night, I can't cry anymore. He kept saying I was showing my true colors, but in reality he was showing his. He was showing just how badly he wants me to hurt. He was showing me just how cruel he can be. I kept trying to tell him that I loved the man he was and that this evil thing he's done to me can't be that same man. It just can't be.
This morning he apologized, in an email. Not for everything, only for the things he said last night. I told him I wished I could hate him. I also reminded him that I had no prior reason to doubt I was hiv negative. I had been tested, and I had not done anything too risky. The only risky behavior I engaged in was with him. He still claims he's negative.
I want to hate him. I want to love him. I want him to love me. I wish he had the courage to do it. That is all he lacks.
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