Admission

I don't know what I'm writing this for.  Well, I do know, but it isn't likely.  Eventually I want him to read it, all of it, and know what this is doing to me.  I can't really gauge what it's doing to him.  I only know I want him back so badly that it's all I can think about.  I wake up repeating his name over and over again, sure that the astral projection of my misery will reach him in his bed.  We have a special bond.

Yesterday I found some distraction getting ready for tomorrow.  I have a big event planned.  I wish he would come and put his arms around me.  In the past, he always surprised me by showing up when I wasn't expecting him.  I always ran towards him, threw my arms around him, and showed him how much that meant to me.

It is not enough that he is the sexiest man in the world.  It is not enough that he is the most talented man in the world.  It is not enough that he is the kindest man in the world.  It would be enough if that kindness allowed him to see past this and into my heart.  I miss him so much.

Suddenly, people are hitting on me, flirting with me.  It's very annoying.  It's very insensitive.  I can't see how anyone would think that my pouring my heart out about how badly I want him back makes it a good time for a booty call, or anything else.  I don't want them.  I want him.  I just want him.  From morning to night, it's all I want.

I wish with all my heart that he would just give me another chance.  I know I've said it before.  I'll say it again.  I'll say it every day for the rest of my life.  I have this fantasy about calling his mother and talking to her, asking her to talk to him.  I never would.  He would hate me for that.  He probably hates me already for working so hard to try to win him back.  How do you give up on something you want more than anything?  How do you just let it walk away?  I know I've asked it before.

I can't figure out how.  My life without him is cold.  The days are getting colder anyway.  I want to cuddle with him.  I want to hug him.  I have to go to work tonight.  My shifts have been cut way back, but I have to work two days a week still.  The entire night I stare out the windows waiting for him to pass by.  I wish he would stop in. 

The last time he stopped in he was wearing these new shorts that looked like they had the Mexican flag or something printed on them.  They were so flimsy, and moved with every slight breeze.  He turns me on so much.  He is the only one I ever wanted.  What I never told him is this: the guy I cheated on him with, he has similar eyes to my love.  That's what did it for me.  I never wanted him.  I wanted my love.

It's all I have ever wanted.  My whole life, from wishing for love to furious teenage masturbation sessions, he was the one.  He is my ideal in every way.  He is all I want.  There is only one thing I would change about him and it is this: he refuses to take me back.