Never Too Late

It's not too late for him to prove that he meant it when he told me his love was unconditional.  He broke so many promises during this period, but I haven't broken a single promise to him.  I did promise to leave him alone, and I have.  If he knew how difficult this is for me he, if he could only see into my heart and soul, he would forgive me and work towards rebuilding what we had.

He says he wants to remain friends.  I would never be friends with someone who betrayed me this way.  I would never be friends with someone who threatened me the way he has.  I would never be friends with someone who could just stomp all over my feelings.  I don't know how he thinks this is possible.  He told me he was angry that I was rejecting his friendship.  He rejected everything special about me, and the only thing that is truly mine to give: my love. 

I wish he would come to his senses.  As the days go by it seems impossible.  The distance between us only grows.  I miss him more with each passing day, not less.  I guess I am in denial, because I really can't believe he would do this to me.  I really can't believe that he would abandon me to this disease, that his love was so weak.  I really can't believe everything about him that I loved could simply disappear overnight.

I'd like to blame him.  I would like to blame him for everything.  I would like to blame him for all of the problems we had.  I can't.  I don't.  I love him.  There is no way I would be friends with someone who did this to someone they love.  If he asked for forgiveness and came back to me, though, he could.  I would forgive everything and anything.  My love for him is unconditional.  I will never give up on that love, and I will never give up on the goodness inside of him.

This makes it so much harder to move on.  I don't want to move on.  I'm so surprised every day when I wake up and he hasn't emailed me to say that we can work it out.  He really doesn't want to work it out?  Really?!  How he can just switch off like a light switch is another twist of the blade buried deep in my chest. 

I am tired.  I am not sleeping well.  One night with him and I would sleep soundly.  One night in his arms and all of the sorrows and tears of the past few months would disappear.  Someone else is there, now.  I'm not sure who.  He told me he's seeing other people.  Someone else is getting his attention, fueling his ego, igniting his passion.  I wish it could be me.  It is only he that can do it for me. 

Again I will spend the night at my cafe job, staring out the window, hoping against hope that he will come by.   I could use a hug.  I could stand to have him tell me everything will be ok.  I could stand for him to say that he remembers the good things, that he knows we can overcome anything, together.  But we are not together.  I am alone.  He has left me alone in my darkest hour, to face this disease while simultaneously suffering the greatest loss I have ever felt.  My sweet angel has left me alone in hell.