Mantra

His horoscope still says that his mantra is: "a pure heart is the greatest weapon."  I wish he could really see that, think about it, and process it.  I don't think his heart is being very pure.  I went back over our earlier text messages, and I really feel like most of this situation is my fault.  If I had just sat back and given him the space and time to process, things might have been different.  Maybe they wouldn't have, but I do feel I pushed him away by trying so hard to prove to him how much he meant to me.

He still means the world to me.  Last night I was hired to work this party and one of our mutual friends was there.  This is a person who I was trying to convince to purchase one of his artworks, and she felt the need to tell me she never really cared for his work but always felt he had a winner in me.  I was a winner.  I was always very supportive.  I would find out something he wanted and put all of my energy into making it happen.

Even now, I've just seen that he posted about this jacket he wants.  He's been wanting this jacket for almost a year now.  I wish I had the cash to buy it for him.  He deserves nice things.  I wish I could have bought him everything he wants.  I spoiled him enough.  This lady from last night was saying that I did so much networking for him and worked out studio visits and genuinely showed that I was 100% behind him, and that he's a fool for letting that go.  I agree, but I also know it's much more complicated than that.

He's much more complicated than that.  I know he has issues and that he's not being loving or kind to do this, but it's not very simple.  My love for him is not very simple.  I love him truly from the deepest parts of my soul.  He said it was my ego when I told him I felt like the best part of me had been cut away.  Maybe he's not even truly capable of the kind of love I feel.  If he was, he'd be with me.  I begged him.

I kept begging him.  I don't know what I could have done differently, except not cheat, and not have AIDS.  Well, there's a lot that I could have done differently, but I wasn't coming from a desire to ruin the good thing I had, I was coming from a loving place where I was trying to get the love I deserved.  I know I deserve it.  I still deserve it, even after all of the major problems.  I deserve the kind of love I want.  The kind of love I want comes from him, though, and I can't make the right choice for him.

He got very angry when we last spoke and I said that he should still do the right thing.  He asked, "how dare you tell me what the right thing is for me?"  The right thing is to stand by someone you love, no matter who you are.  Everyone knows that.  He said the people he respect tell him he's doing the right thing.  Most of those people are washed up has-beens whose fleeting fame isn't even enough to support their current lifestyle and who are so lonely and without love that they may not be capable of it, anymore.  One day he will wake up and realize he spent too much time chasing a dream that is incapable of fulfilling him.  Chasing fame, over love, is not the right thing, for anyone.

I miss him.  It doesn't help me when he's a jerk.  It doesn't help me when other people tell me he's a jerk.  It doesn't help me when other people try to convince me how much better than him I am.  I never wanted to be better than him.  I only ever wanted to be better with him; and I was.