Another

I should still be asleep but with the crack of dawn comes that crack in my brain that spills his name into my new consciousness.  Each morning the world says, "Rebirth," and each morning he says, "I'm still gone."  I will not give up on him.  I wish I could show him my heart on a platter.

He is afraid, or confused, or angry, or all three.  I don't blame him, but if we try we can fly.  I really believe that.  Last night I spent a good portion of the night trying to convince him of that.  I don't know if he's worried about himself or me.  I sent him a few emails, to which he didn't respond.  I sent him a text message saying, "I hope you had a wonderful day that made you believe in the power of love."  I know he loves me.

He responded to that, but he has just shut himself off.  He said he makes a better friend.  I've never had him as a friend, only a lover.  I know that I'm annoying him, but I just can't give up.  I won't give up.  It's been a month since I found out I was positive.  That month has been the most painful and life altering month in my life.  I wish he could have been there for me the whole time.  I wish I could have found sanctuary in his arms.

He wants to focus on his career, he says.  I always helped him with that.  I've done all of his writing for him, including interviews and forwards.  I've done graphic design for him.  I've created entire shows just so I could showcase him.  I've sold his work.  I've promoted him.  I've opened doors that he only had to walk through.

I wish he would walk through this door I'm opening.  I want him back.  I want another chance.  I want what we had, though I know that can't be.  I want to rebuild something better from the ashes of our dream, so that love, like the phoenix, can spread its wings and soar high above the petty problems that should never be able to hold it down.