Koala Bear

I had the most wonderful dream.  In it there was a black panther loose in the town, that I decided to help lead into the forest so that it could escape animal control and potential death.  Me and an Alsacian dog were goading it and somehow convincing it to go deeper into the woods to escape.  Somehow this brought me to my love.

At one point in the dream I was in a thrift shop and I saw all of these stuffed animals.  I asked for a koala bear and found one for him.  He's my little koala bear.  He's so cute.  When all of the bad news was happening I reminded him of that and he said, "koala bears move very slowly."

Because of the black panther we ended up going for coffee.  He drove, I was in the back seat.  He had brought a friend as a buffer, probably so I couldn't make a scene.  At one point he had a long beard and at another his trim goatee that is so sexy.  He was sexy either way.  I got him alone for a few minutes and told him how much I still loved him.  He brought up sex and I mentioned that I only wanted him and wasn't having sex with anyone else.  That made him smile.

In the dream, this coffee date became repeated a couple of times.  It was so nice to see him.  I tried to stay asleep so I could continue having this wonderful dream, but I woke up, way too early, again.  When I closed my eyes, he was gone.  When I opened my eyes, he's still gone.  I wish I could get him to admit that we had a really good thing, worth holding on to.

The irony is that he's not afraid of hard work.  He's put tons of energy into his career, his body and his mind.  He's seen therapists, dealt with addiction, been up and down.  The one thing he doesn't care for is putting work into a relationship.  When things get the least bit stressful he runs away, just puts his tail between his legs and cowers, covering his insecurity up with anger.

When we used to fight, it happened three times, he would always do this.  I would cry and tell him how much it hurt me that he behaved this way.  A few days later he would send me a text message saying, "you hate me."  I thought it was so cute.  Of course I didn't, I would respond.  I could never hate him.  I love him.  He has my whole heart.  He has my whole soul.  I gave those to him.  He's crushing one and stomping on the other, but they're his, still.

Unfortunately, he hates me.  He must, at this point, if he could resort to the type of behavior he's exhibiting.  If he could make the sort of threats he's made, and just completely disregard his promises to me.  That has to be hate.  It sure isn't love.  I wish he still loved me.  I miss his love.  I miss him.  I don't even have a phone anymore, but I wish my little koala bear would send me those three words that signal this might all come to an end very soon: "you hate me."  NO, I don't.

One thing he said to me in my dream was, "you're lucky you have someone to curl up beside and cuddle every night," meaning my dog.  I responded that my dog was a poor substitute for the man I love.  There is no substitute for the man I love.