Last night was one of the most difficult days. I got a call from G, who told me that he'd been designated as a go-between so my love could warn me indirectly that if my sister didn't stop harassing him on Facebook he would tell her about my HIV status. I had already told her, and wasn't concerned about that, but I am very concerned that she would disregard my feelings in this way. I haven't reached out to her for a long long time and now I don't feel I can trust her. I specifically told her to be kind to him, and that I wanted only the best for him, not to be calling him an asshole, etc.
Sure, he is kind of being an asshole right now, but he has his own reasons, too, and I still love him. I forgive him. G railed while he had me on the phone. He has anger issues and he started just screaming at me about how delusional I am for believing in goodness. He said I'm a control freak for having hope that my man will do the right thing. He kept repeating it back to me with incredulity, "do the right thing." He doesn't think standing by me qualifies.
It got ugly. Not on my end. I kept apologizing to him for how this was upsetting him and tried to remind him that I just had to feel what I felt. G yelled that I had brought him into this by sending him posts and songs and that it was his business and he had to tell me the truth. At various points he told me I needed a lobotomy, to be committed, even to be murdered rather than continue this way. He's probably right.
He told me the story of an Indian tribe. If you have a problem you can go to the center of the circle when all the people have gathered and tell your story. You can talk for as long as you want and say everything you need to. Everyone will listen. You can do this three times. The fourth time you enter the circle everyone will turn their backs on you. I think I am beyond G's limit. I know I am. I had already resolved to stop bringing my problems to him. The last thing I shared was a song, but because I was proud of it, not because I wanted sympathy.
I had been feeling bad all day, anyway. I cried on the train all the way to meet my therapist, certain that they would make me get over the holder of my heart. I just wept from missing him and wishing I could just hold on. I wish I had just held on. The therapist seemed nice, but didn't really have a chance to be anything else. I bawled as soon as I sat down, pretty much. I just completely let go. It was nice not to have to be strong or consider the impact on my friendship or other relationships. It's too bad that was only meant to be an information gathering session.
After that session I had lunch with a friend who shared with me his experiences with a man who sounds a lot like mine. He told me of how toxic their relationship became to him after 10 years where one side refused to compromise. He told me how that affected him and shared his insights, basically telling me I just dodged a bullet, reminding me of the fact that I shouldn't have to be the one to make all the sacrifices, all the apologies, all the effort. Later, when G was on the phone, he would mention my love's side of certain things and this conversation would come leaping back to me.
Unfortunately, the love of my life has some very serious issues that he refuses to deal with. When we had a problem it was always my fault, and my need to apologize, my need to see a shrink. It was never our fault, our need to apologize. A lot of times, it was never us. In a lot of ways it was always just him, and, if there was room or time for me, then us. Even if we were to get back together, which G screams with rage that we are not, it would take work. I am willing to put that work in, but I can't do it alone. Unfortunately, I am alone.
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