Adventure

Yesterday I cried while he spoke to me on the phone, telling me he's moved on, he's seeing other people, he's having sex with them.  That hurt.  Alot.  I want him back.  Still.  I would forgive anything.  I told him that if our roles had been reversed I would have forgiven him in an instant.  He's punishing me for a hypothetical outcome that didn't come to pass for him.  That, in conjunction with the real outcome that did come to pass for me, is just terrible.  I cried in the shower after we hung up.

He has the most wonderful voice.  It is like music to my ears.  Even if he's saying the cruelest things to me, things I don't want to hear, I'd still rather hear him say them than not hear his voice.  I told him how nice it was to speak to him.  He was acting very patient, but I could tell he had no more patience.  He told me how annoying I am.  He told me I'm pushing him further away.  He said the very salient points I'm making in my texts and emails go in one ear and out the other. 

It was a hard day all around.  I'm not feeling well at all, and I still have no insurance.  I'm not sure how long it may take, or if it will even come through.  I finally had to tell my mom.  I called her and made sure she was sitting down.  She kept trying to get me to go back to Alberta.  I will never go back to Alberta.  I have no interest in being in a conservative enclave filled with homophobes and people who can't appreciate my art.

New York is my home.  His arms are my home.  He's running away.  I told him that when I sent him money for my phone bill, which he's allowing me to keep on the family plan only so long as I never text or call or email or make any attempt to get back together.  That is like asking my heart not to beat. 

I just saw a drawing he did of someone else in his bed.  That's my bed.  That's my place.  That's my man.  How can I deal with this?  How am I supposed to deal with this?