Sanity

To me it seems like I'm the sane one and the rest of the world has the problems.  Is it denial rearing its ugly head again?  How can people who are sane think that giving up on something you want more than anything would be a good idea?  How can people who are sane think that lowering your head and moving along is the best way to deal with pain.  These grin-and-bear-it types may have had more heartbreak than I have, or they may have lost the one true love already and never had the courage to fight for it.

Another night in which I've had less than five hours sleep.  I'm not sure how I'm still going.  I can't even nap anymore.  I just go to sleep and think about him until I pass out, then wake up thinking about him.  It's not voluntary.  It's just a prayer my whole body makes.  My cousin told me to pray to the spiritual force inside me.  I didn't tell her that's what I do all day every day.  I pray to have him back.

Most people I talk to seem to think cheating is the biggest sin one can commit in a relationship.  The lines get hazy for me.  For instance, we didn't really have an agreement of monogamy.  He always said, "just do what you need to do," when we would talk about it, and i would always say, "I only want you."  I always just needed to be loved by him.  I once told him how horny I was after a few days apart and he said, "go to the booths."  I never would have.  I never would have done anything if he hadn't made me feel like there was no chance of recovery.  If I had not lost the hope that we would get back together, after that one major fight, I never would have sought solace with someone who had his eyes but not his soul.  He was a nice person with good timing, but he was a lousy substitute. 

The days have gotten even longer.  I didn't think that was possible in the autumn.  Sleep deprivation and loneliness are a great way to prolong the torture of existence.  He thinks my loneliness is unhealthy.  He thinks my longing for him is unhealthy.  He thinks my needing him is unhealthy.  Maybe he truly doesn't understand what love is.  I am lonely for him.  I do long for him.   I do need him. 

I'm taking care of myself.  I'm getting my work done.  I'm taking my medicine and pursuing my health.  I'm working on art, though it is all about him.  It has been a lot about him these past two years, anyway.  Now it is about him and my broken heart. 

Someone yesterday made me paranoid that he lied to me about being negative.  I hope he wouldn't ever feel he needed to do that.  If I converted him I would feel so terrible.  If he converted me I would forgive him.  He doesn't need to lie to me.  He never needed to lie to me.  Now, the only problem is that the truth he's telling me is the most painful one to hear.  He's not even telling me that anymore.  It is radio silence.

How long can he stay mad at me?  I can't stay mad at him.  The only emotion I have that lasts is the love I feel.  It is unconditional.  He could tie me to horses and drag me to California and I would love him with every piece of myself that scraped off along the way.  He needs this kind of love, I told a friend last night.  He needs this kind of forgiveness.  So do I.