Pity

Hello my one and only love,

Please take pity on me.

I am going to deal with the phone today.  I probably won't be able to transfer it though.  I wish I could convince you to keep me on the family plan, but then, I wish I could convince you to keep me in the family.  If you would consider the first I would pay your bill and mine every month.  If you would consider the second I would spend a lifetime showing you the kind of love we both deserve.  I really only wanted the iphone so that I could be a better business person and get my career together so we could afford a place together.  It was helping, I think.

Please take pity on me.

The truth is that I am not in denial, and I hope you can believe that.  I understand and accept what you're doing.  I just refuse to give up on you.  I promised you that I would never give up on you.  I meant it.  I promised you that I would always love you.  I meant it.  When I wore your ring I promised you that I would love and cherish you, honor and obey you, in sickness and in health.  I meant it, even after the fight you said you forgave me for.  You promised me the same things, and I know you meant it.  If only you would let go of the fear, the pain, the doubt, the insecurity, the anger.  Let go of the negative things and there is plenty of positive. 

Please take pity on me.

I know you've told me time and again that we will not be lovers.  I don't expect you to want to marry me again right away.  I just want the chance to show you that I have learned from my mistakes.  I know they were huge mistakes.  I honestly couldn't have known I was HIV positive.  You're punishing me for something I couldn't have known, and for the hypothetical risk that I could have given it to you.  That's not living in the present, it's judging me for the past and for an alternate reality that never came to pass.  I want to impress you.  I want you to be proud of me.  I want you to know that you are the most special person in my life and never doubt that. 

Please take pity on me.

I am afraid.  I am lonely.  I am depressed.  I am trying to hold on to the one good thing.  You were more than a good thing in my life.  You were a great thing, a dream come true.  What I never properly understood about your career, I get it now.  I know what it's like to be fueled by the fiery passion to go after the most valuable goal. 

Please take pity on me.

Between the year and a half to two year mark, most couples go through a really hard time.  Plenty of people have told me this.  Ours has been harder than most, I agree.  Still, I continued to work hard and be a good lover.  I only gave up for one hour, and it is the thing I will most regret for the rest of my life.  The thing these people tell me is this: if you can get through it you are set for life. 

Please take pity on me.

Don't you want to be set for life?  Don't you want to never have to cruise Adam4adam or grindr?  Don't you want to have someone love you for no reason other than the person that you are?  Don't you want a lover who is an angel 90% of the time?  I'm sure I was.  I know you were.  Don't you want to know that no matter what you do, where you go, and how much success and fame alienates you from average people, there will be someone in your corner, on your side, and in your heart?  I want those things for you. 

Please take pity on me.

I need a hug.  I need hope.  I need compassion.  I need pity.  Please take pity on my poor heart.  If nothing else.  Please take pity.