Inspired

I told him tonight that he was a dream come true for me, and that I know I have nobody to blame, but myself, for the nightmare its become.   He didn't respond.  He did respond to a couple of my texts though, so I know he is reading them at least.  That's more than I can say for my emails or the hand-written letter I delivered to his door.

I just wish I knew what I could do to get through to him.  He wants to cut off my phone.  The family plan no longer works for him.  I don't know how he can be so adamant in his refusal.  I would settle for one date.  Take things slow.  Build from nothing, which is what we have now.  I'm hot.  I feel like all the stress is making me sick.

I got a bill for $1600 today.  It is for my tests and blood-work.  I am too poor to have AIDS and I still have no insurance.  It was supposed to take 10 days and it's been over a month.  I'm afraid, alone, unwanted by the one person who could alleviate all of this.  If I end up in the hospital I wonder if he'd visit me.

How do you just turn your heart off like this?  I wish I knew.  I would do it, too.  Or maybe I wouldn't.  The difference between us is that I believe he'll forgive me, eventually.  He says I'm in denial.  It's at the point where i have to follow the maxim: if you love something let it go.  It's so hard for me.  It's so hard.

I just want to listen to him breathe.  That would give me such peace and joy, which is what the doctors say I need.  Just to hear his soft breath, or the light snoring he doesn't admit to.  He's so cute.  He has the cutest ears.

I am alienating everyone I know through my misery and single-focus, making me even more isolated and lonely.  I can't help it, just as I can't help loving him and longing for him.  I want to talk about him, I want someone to give me hope, I want to know if anyone in the entire world has any idea what one thing I can do to break through the ice he's allowing to build up on his heart.

I want him to be happy.  I want to be happy also.  He deserves good things.  I am a dream eater who destroyed the most perfect thing I ever had.  It wasn't perfect, of course, but it was perfect for me.