Behind the Man

Christo had Jeanne-Claude.  Pollock had Krasner.  Gertrude had Alice.  So many great artists had great partners to build them up and support them.  He says he wants to focus on his career.  I don't know how that's different.  I can help him.  It's his birthday.  I want to wait outside of his apartment covered in balloons, but I know he wouldn't like that.  Instead I made him a birthday card in photoshop.  I unblocked him on Facebook so I could post it, but I think he's blocked me now.  He keeps blocking me in so many ways. 

I asked him today in an email: if someone told you to stop making art, could you?  He couldn't.  He means as much to me as that.  I would do anything to regain his trust and confidence in me.  I'm not sure how I could go about that.  The past couple of months were really hard, but I've been working harder than I ever have in my life to try to get to a place of security.  I want to offer him that security.  I want him to know the surety of my love.  He needs it.

He's had a rough life.  He told me about how close he came to suicide after years of prostitution and drugs.  I knew vaguely, but he gave more details.  Its ironic that he couldn't feel he could share that until he'd already walked away.  I never would have judged him.  Just like when he cheated on me.  He told me, and I forgave him immediately.  I never have been judgmental when it came to him.  I've been discerning, and conscious, and it was so worth it. 

In getting to know him I've gotten to know more about myself.  I've learned what I value and what I want.  I've learned that it's okay to say what I want, but it's not okay to expect it.  I've learned the value of putting all of your energy into the things that matter to you.  He taught me that, and now he won't let me do it for him. 

I want to wait outside his door for him every night, with dinner ready and a hot bath drawn.  I want to rub his feet while he enjoys his first moments off of them.  I want to scratch his back, being careful to avoid that one mole just off his spine.  I want to earn his love again. 

Last night I thought I was being cute.  I texted him that it was a lovely day, the perfect day to give love another chance.  He said he was exhausted and tired so I offered to cook dinner and rub his feet.  It's what I want so badly.  He told me to stop texting him.  He used all caps.