Strength

People keep telling me I have to be strong, I will make it through this.  What they don't realize is that it's taking all of the strength I have to be respectful of his desire that I not contact him.  Every ounce of strength I have every day goes into not cajoling, begging, pleading, reasoning, trying.  The hardest thing I do is stop trying.  It must be him.  I must have him back.

I got a text message from our phone service provider today, telling me I'm near the limit of my data plan.  It gave me hope that maybe he will contact me and I will have an excuse to talk to him.  I would tell him I deserve better.  I would say that I hope he's remembering that I most often put his feelings before my own and that I was happy to do so.  I would say that I'm the one you break your rules for.  I would say that I'm worth it.  That would probably just annoy him. 

It's only been one week since we last spoke, but the drama continued until Friday.  That means he's had five days of peace from me.  That doesn't include anything online, if he's seen what I've been posting.  I made a beautiful movie about him that I posted online.  It's a love letter.  I hope he watches it.  He probably won't.  I just don't know how to get through to him. 

Another early morning of repeating the mantra, "please come back to me."  Today will be the day.  I feel it.  I felt the same way yesterday.  I don't know how I'm expected to go through with this.  I don't know how he is going through with this.  He must miss me.  He must miss the little things I did to make his life easier, and my sweet smile.  He must miss the way I looked at him.  I wonder if he even noticed. 

How am I supposed to be strong?  My body is weak, my heart is broken, my life is cold.  I am swimming upstream just to get to a place called normal.  I need help.  I need him.  I just want him back.  For the rest of my life, I would do everything it takes to make sure he never had another reason to doubt me.  He's supposed to pull me closer.  He's supposed to love me.