Logistics

I had to have him cut off my phone yesterday.  He has resorted to being threatening and very unkind.  I posted something on a mutual friend's wall and he texted me in a very abusive way.  I told him that I deserve better than this and that he is better than this.  We conversed through text message and then had a brief phone call.  He was an asshole, that's the only word to describe it.

He is no longer the man I loved so ardently.  I wish I could get that man back.  I don't want this new one, the one who consistently stomps on my heart and belittles what we had.  I am so sad that I have to not only mourn the loss of love, but the death of my respect for him.  He is a child, after all.  I miss him so much.

I tried to move on and get my work done.  I finished a project for which I am very satisfied, though it was stressful and it's been ongoing during this entire period.  I wish it had required more work so I could have been busier.  I need to be busier.  Today I will begin installation for an event on Saturday that I've been hired to do.

It doesn't make it any easier that he is being so unkind.  It makes it harder.  I have to go to my therapy and blood work appointment so that I can have a genotype and some mental health.  I am pretty confident I'm not going to seem like a total basket case today, but if I am that's the place to do it, instead of the social forums I keep using, and this blog.  I know I'm a basket case.  I miss the love of my life, daily.

He may not ever come back to me.  He may not ever regret his decision.  I am superior to him in so many ways, and I am inferior in so many ways.  One of the ways I know I am better is that I would never ever close my heart off to someone I love.  He says he's offering me a friendship, but he can't be my friend.  He can't even stand to be around me.  I need to lie next to him.  I need to feel his kiss.  I need to feel loved.

Last night, in a moment of desperation I posted an add in the m4m section of Craig's List.  It said "Make Me Feel Beautiful" in the heading, and "Give it your best shot" in the body.  Nobody responded, but I wouldn't have wanted them too, anyway.  The one person who I needed to respond was my love.  He won't.  He just won't.