Memorial

There has been a huge amount of negative psychic energy in the air.  Many many bad things have happened to me and other people I know.  Cause and effect, action and reaction, the lines are blurred.  Last night I had a late night conversation with a mutual friend whose long distance relationship ended.  He was basically told the same thing I was, "I can be your friend, not your lover."

How do you say that to someone who has squeezed the blackheads on your back?  How do you say it to someone who has broken bones for you, carried loads that caused weeks worth of back pain, or changed their schedule to sell your art while you enjoy walking through a city for a week?  How do you forget?  How do you just close off?

It is a day to remember.  It is the day to remember.  10 years seems like nothing to me, but 2 years seems like forever.  Time has become a pretzel.  I remember.  I remember everything. 

I keep reading his horoscope.  Every day it says its a great day to reconcile with a special person.  Every day I hope that person will be me.  He told me he loved me.  He told me he wanted to keep our engagement a secret.  Part of him always held back. 

Unlike myself, he was in NYC for 9/11.  He remembers.  It is hard to find peace.  He's had to see so many traumatic things.  He's had to keep moving on.  This time he doesn't have to move on.  At some point in a person's life they have to decide what to keep and what to let go.  I'm worth keeping.  I know that.  He won't listen. 

I wish I could get through to him.  I wish I could prove that everything will work out.  I wish I didn't have AIDS.  I wish I'd never had that moment of weakness.  I wish for him.  It is the first thing I do in the morning, and the last thing I do at night.