I am really ill. I think I may have missed a day of my Bactrim, and when I took it yesterday it gave me a very severe reaction that made me so useless at work. There is never anyone to cover me. All I normally do there is stare out the window hoping that my love will come through. I guess this is denial, because I still, to this day two months later, have faith that he will come for me. He must come for me. That's what love does.
Love can't die, can it? I have never been in love with anyone the way I am with him. I recognize in retrospect that a lot of the problems in our relationship had to do with him treating me as though I wasn't good enough. He wouldn't announce our engagement. He wouldn't let me go out with him. He just wanted me to stay at home, cook his meals, and cuddle with him. I was fine with that. Why was I fine with that? Because it was all I ever wanted. I don't need to go out. I just need to be loved. I just need to be loved by him.
There exists in the gay world this pseudo-mysogyny, and my love was the "man" while I was the "woman." He didn't want me to be his equal, though he said he did. He always treated me as inferior. I wonder if this is because of his own belief in his talents. Since we broke up people keep telling me they're not fans of his work. I've been thinking that it's kind of sad that someone his age still feels they have to coast on their looks in order to succeed with their talent.
That's just anger talking. I'm so angry at him. Especially now that I'm sick. He's supposed to be here for me. That's what happens when you propose to someone. You should already have decided that you can take the vows and fulfill them. I don't need an accessory for my finger. I need a love for my life. I wish it could be him, even still.
A friend was supposed to have a photo shoot with me tomorrow but he keeps canceling. I've been trying to plan this for a month but every week he says, "next week." As though I don't feel cast aside enough, this constantly being put off by someone I go out of my way for repeatedly is just adding to my stress. I've been working too much and too hard because I owe my love money, I owe on the last gift I bought him, I don't have a phone, and rent is almost due. I hate my life.
I do hate my life. I hate everything about it. I hate that I screwed up the most wonderful thing I ever had. I hate that I am alone when all I want is to lie in his arms. I am starting to hate him for what he's done to me. I don't want to hate him. I went on his Facebook and "reported" all the photos that had dicks on it. It was petty and spiteful. I don't want him to be ok while I suffer. Part of me wants him to be ok because I still love him, but the part of me that loves him is dying. He's killing it by staying away.
I miss him so much. Every second. I had a nap today and a feverish dream. He had come back to me and won my heart back over. It was so easy. Then a bunch of what he calls "A gays" came over and they were all catching rides to a Taylor Swift concert. Somehow, we got separated and he got in a car without me, and they all just drove off, leaving me. I had no phone. I couldn't call, or anything. I was standing in the middle of the street just crying.
I dream about him every night. I wake up crying out for him. I go to sleep hoping tomorrow he will come back to me. He won't. I know by now that if he was going to he would have. There is nothing I can do. I have lost the one true love I've ever known. I have lost the man of my dreams. I have lost the lover who was never perfect, but was always perfect for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment