The Most Wonderful Dream

I had the most wonderful dream, one which I just woke up from.  We were in San Fransisco and I was meeting him on the beach so that we could talk, just talk.  He had a bike and was very friendly.  It gave me hope.  Then we went to a store where he began telling me about this fancy fold-up chair he had just purchased, and somehow we ended up taking a cab to the middle of nowhere to walk through snowy fields.  We both had long hair, his beautifully silvered and mine parted in the middle.  We were together.  We were talking.  I wish we could talk.

I texted him yesterday.  The pretext was that I had received a note from AT&T that we were nearing some limit for our bill.  I know it was only pseudo-legitimate to text him in that context.  I just sent him the information hoping it would open the lines of communication.  It didn't.  He didn't respond.  He must hate me.  I wish he could love me.  I wish I could make him love him, or at least remind him of all the good things.

There were so many good things.  Simple pleasures like waking up together.  He once thanked me for getting him out of the online hook-up world.  Now he is probably right back there.  I have to have him back.  Forever, for the rest of my life.  I can't keep doing this without him.  I have the strength, but I don't have the will.  I need him, not because I depend on him, but because everything is so much better with him.  Food tastes better, sleep is more peaceful, sex is wonderful.

One of the great tragedies of this whole thing is that we could finally have been safe.  I could finally have stopped putting him at risk.  I never wanted that.  If I had known I would never have done anything to endanger him.  I love him and would never want to hurt him.  I want him to be safe and successful.  I want him to live a long and healthy life.  I want to be there to take care of him when he gets old.  I want to make his life easier, not more complicated.

I've been reminding myself that I deserve better.  I don't mean better than him.  There is nobody better than him.  I mean better treatment by him.  There's a really heartbreaking scene in Angels In America where a negative man leaves his positive partner and goes to talk to his rabbi.  The rabbi shakes his head and basically says, "how could you do that to someone you love?"  I don't want my love to feel guilt, I want him to feel compassion.  I want him to have mercy on me.  I deserve it.

I still read his horoscope every day.  His mantra lately has been "a pure heart is the greatest weapon."  I have a pure heart and I am impotent.  His heart is clouded with doubt, insecurity, anger, fear, and I don't even know what else.  His heart is punishing mine.  Every day I grow more tired and sad, not because I don't have love, talent, and the drive to succeed, but because it is so much harder without my own one true love.  I just need to remind him that I am also his.